melodiesoflife | I'll Face Myself

Entry tags:

I'll Face Myself - Duster

Who: Duster and anyone helping with his shadow, open to people in the laboratory
Where: Laboratory
When: Month of December
What: Free T-shirts! Oh, and Duster is finally facing his Shadow. There are two starters in the comments.

It's late. Not dark enough for it to be considered night, for the Moogles working in the lab to wish for warm blankets and hot Kupo Cocoa, but dark enough that the hallways are lit by artificial light. The blues of the night have always comforted Duster. They remind him of midnight walks, of the dark but persistent ocean, of cool castle corridors. Even the falling now brings its own particular type of light.

But tonight is not the night for calm reflection. Duster has an important job, one that the fate of Crystallis depended on.

Following him is Tamekichi, wearing the sunglasses that never come off no matter the time of day. The Moogle is carrying a brown cardboard box over his head.

"I'm ready," he said to himself, facing the door leading to the Black Crystal laboratory room.

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"You can express yourself with your freakin' words!" Of course he wasn't gonna just let Duster's Shadow do whatever he wanted, if what he wanted was to hurt himself. Santa struggled against the Shadow's hold on him. This was totally ruining any fun fantasies about having two Dusters, and that made him even more pissed.

"Fine. I won't beat him up," as if Santa actually could, "but I'm not gonna let him use you like a freaking punching bag either," he yelled over to the real version.

Tazendra glanced to Santa, then between Duster and his Shadow. "Well, if Duster wishes to fight, I shall not stop him," she said. "But I do not understand why."

She and her own Shadow had danced around violence, but that was partially because Tazendra was violent person, and in between being insulted and the intriguing possibility of battling someone exactly as skilled as she was was hard to resist. But Tazendra had observed Duster was not a particularly violent person.

"No...I don't want to fight it..." He could, and if things got dangerous, they all could, but that was not the outcome he wanted.

The Shadow shrugged, relaxing as he stood with his hands on him hips before tilting his head towards Tazendra. "Why? Because he won't. And since I like you guys and he was closest, he was my target."

The real Duster let go of K'pandolu. "I wouldn't punch anyone," he insisted.

"You would if you could. You can't keep everything inside and let people walk over you."

"I'm not going to do that by hurting people!" He stepped closer.

"Then what, talk to them? When was the last time you talked to dad? Oh wait, you gave up because you hate dealing with your problems yourself. If no one's going to fix your life, then what's the point?"

Duster bit his lip. He didn't like where this was going, and he didn't want to prove his Shadow's point by violently shutting him up before it was too late.

"Because...I was busy. And I know better than to be angry," he shakily replied.

"And your dad's pretty terrifying, let's be real." Aoi's not sure if that's helpful or not, but he's putting that out there.

"But yeah, you could prob'ly afford to be a jerk every once in a while, if that's what you really wanna do. We can coordinate. I'll be nice to people for a day and you tell 'em what's really on your mind, and it'll all balance out." There, look at Aoi's problem-solving skills. And he didn't even have to drug anybody. Damn, he's good.

Rialynn winced at the sudden punch, but with Santa leaping into action immediately, the situation seemed a lot calmer. Duster was a reasonable sort of guy, she didn't doubt that he'd be able to listen to what his other self had to say.

But it sure was being cryptic about what it wanted. It was tempting to puzzle it out aloud...however, it might be inappropriate to start making guesses for fear of embarrassing her friend. As far as she could tell, his shadow was simply telling him to be more assertive and direct with his feelings and problems. He did seem pretty shy about taking the spotlight, that was for sure.

She hugged her elbows and pressed her lips into a tight line, looking at the bard. Her expression softened, and Rialynn chanced a little smile just to show her silent support. He could do this. If she tried to intervene and solve the problem for him, wouldn't that just anger his shadow?

Duster shot a tired look at Aoi. "That's not so easy to do."

"So you're giving up on that idea because you're sick of not being in control of your life, right? Or is it because going with that plan means actually thinking? I mean, everyone knows you kind of suck at this planning thing. Or this 'observing and critical thinking' stuff that could have saved your world."

The real Duster stepped back, eyes darting away from the shadow, then back. To the exit, to his copy, to Aoi, to the copy. He knew what he was going to say.

"That's not the case. Just because--"

"Because if you did your job right, your world wouldn't have ended. You could have given that Egg of Light to Leder, and he'd know what to you. You could have been a hero and stopped the Pigmasks before they settled in. The whole mess would have been prevented if you weren't such an idiot." It waited, daring Duster to respond. "But hey. I'm only repeating what you know."

Aoi raised an eyebrow at Duster.

"Dude, what? Why are you even worrying about that? It all turned out fine in the end. It's not like everyone can be a genius, or see the freaking future. You're good at other stuff. 's not fair to ask yourself to be perfect."

He turned and frowned at the Shadow. Apparently it was pretty easy for Duster to be an asshole, because his Shadow had it down to an art. If he wasn't so pissed at him for upsetting Duster, he'd kinda be impressed by the guy.

"So, what, you gonna keep harpin' on what you guys should've done? That's real helpful."

K'pandolu flattened her ears, the Shadow's words annoying her as well. She nodded to Santa, though she remained frowning in the Shadow's direction. "We have to do the best we can with what we know, and the options given to us. But- it can still work out, can't it?" Or- that was the impression she'd got when they'd spoken a little about it in May.

"There is nothing wrong with being disinclined to plan. Though it helps to have a friend who is skilled at it," Tazendra volunteered. "And... well, one can learn when one is alone, even if others are more skilled."

The Shadow lazily looked at the group of Heroes that dared to interfere in this argument while Duster refused to look back, though he did glance in Tazendra's direction.

The Shadow interrupted him before he could speak. "Yeah, leave it to other people to save you from your miserable life choices. Or is choices even a word for you? You couldn't decide if you wanted to help save the world, and you shoved that responsibility onto your friends!" It threw its arms in the air, walking ever closer to Duster. Despite being the same size, it towered over him.

"I had to pick between two friends! How was I supposed to know Kumatora was telling the truth when I lost my memory?!"

"Excuses, excuses. All's well that end wells. Even if you had to kill Kumatora's family to fix your mistake." It smiled when it realize it struck a chord, judging by the horrified expression on Duster's face. "It's great to ignore how terrible things are for you and other people. Ignorance is hope. It helped you get through Dad's training right? Nothing was wrong at home, every ounce of abuse was nothing if you didn't dwell on it. But don't you think it would be great, just for once, to stop avoiding him and give him what he deserves?"

He showed what he meant with a few hand flexes, then pounding a fist into his palm.

"...No?" Duster took too long to answer for it to sound sincere.

Aoi knew he was kind of an asshole, so he was used to being ignored, but not by Duster.

"Look, you come from, like, the weirdest freakin' world. I don't think you can even bother tryin' to apply logic there. But there's one thing that's the same on every world- the rules are fuckin' different with family. So nobody gets to decide when you should punch your asshole dad except you, alright?"

He snorted. This would be a lot easier if they could just beat up the Shadow and be done with it. That was how literally every other enemy in this world worked. Goddamn typical.

"Duster, man, you know I love you. So maybe you waffled too much and made some dumb-ass decisions? It wasn't fair to ask all that from a person. It should've been way more than a few weirdos and a dog tryin' to save the world. If the rest of those chumps don't like how you did it, they should've freakin' done it."

"It's a heavy duty," K'pandolu agreed, tail flicking. She glowered at the Shadow for a moment. "I'd think if there were any reason sufficient to explain a poor choice, it would be losing all of your memories."

She turned to Duster, still frowning but less intensely. "I don't think ignoring it is helpful," she said, the words coming slowly, almost testing them out. "Even if whatever you do isn't as drastic- he should still know it's wrong."

"I'm..." Duster searched for the right words while his Shadow watched silently. "I don't know if I feel upset about all that, what my dad did. I just don't feel angry enough to do it."

"That's what I'm here for!" The Shadow held a broad hand to his chest. "I can give you opinions, I can make my own decisions, I can tell dad to never talk to me again! Isn't that what you want? Hey, don't look at them for answers," he interjected when he saw Duster's eyes moved towards the other Heroes. "This is how you actually feel."

"In any case, you cannot do anything about this until we return home," Tazendra said. "Well, excepting the matter of your Shadow."

"You can think about what you might want to do," K'pandolu suggested, watching the Shadow with her head tilted. "Because… there's time, and I think… you could use that. Whether it involves punching him or now- because it does sound as though you want to do something."

Aoi looked up at the ceiling and sighed. Duster...sweet, innocent, dumbass Duster.

"You don't have to repress your feelings just 'cause you don't wanna admit 'em out loud. Every single one of us is a shit person in our heads. If I had a gil for every person whose asses I've wanted to kick...

Well, that's digressing. "We've all got people we're pissed at. Doesn't make us bad people, unless we decide to act on it. But pretending we don't feel like that is unhealthy, man. Just...let your Shadow tell you what you wanna do, if that's what's gonna get this done. You listen to what other people tell you, why not your inner voice?"

"Yeah," Rialynn added, leaning on the railing with her fingers loosely laced together. "This isn't about whether you're a good person or not, it's just finding those hidden parts of yourself, and realizing they exist at all. Santa's right, you'd have to be a real saint not to have those kinds of doubts, or impulses." Her thumbs tapped lightly together.

"If you don't like how it is, you can take steps to fix it. But first you have to realize the problem is there at all. It's how we grow. And hey!" she added, her expression softening into a cheerful smile. "You know you can ask any of us to help you out if you just need to talk, or want to make plans...whatever you need. We've got your back."

"I can...try," he admitted. His Shadow was only going to complain that he kept dodging the issue, he knew it, and if he could explain why he felt that way...maybe they would understand. "I'm just not used to deciding things on my own."

With one glance at the floor, he turned to the others, his Shadow watching them through disgruntled eyes.

"The people the created Tazmily gave my dad the role of a thief that could save the world. My dad planned my entire life around training and saving the world. I didn't decide when to take a break or when to be upset about not getting to play with the other kids. And then I lost my memory, joined a band because they were the only ones who would take me in. If there's one thing I learned growing up, it's that things feel okay if I tell myself that I'm okay."

A glance at the Shadow.

"I don't know if I'm not okay. It's kind of scary having all this freedom and choices. I should do something about my dad. I don't know what. Fight him, I suppose." A shrug. "But...going along with my impulses isn't like getting pushed to murder, right?"

"Certainly not!" Tazendra agreed. "There are many things that are neither murder, nor avoidance."

"Having impulses doesn't mean you lose your willpower, Duster. You always got a choice about what you do." Even if the options were sometimes a pile of crap.

"If you're not ok, you got to be able to admit it to yourself if you want to change things to make your life better." It sounded too sappy to say out loud, but if Duster was afraid of change, Aoi wasn't going to let him face it on his own.

Everyone else had pretty much summed up Rialynn's feelings on the matter. The hardest part was admitting one's problems and flaws, but no one could fix those things if they pretended they didn't exist.

"All things in moderation?" she shrugged. "You don't have to take it to any extremes if that's not what you want to do. Having feelings doesn't mean acting on them no matter what. You have no idea how many times my best friend wound up in the bastille because of that..."

But that was another story for another time.

"It's okay to admit your feelings exist, though."

Acting on feelings, huh. Duster wasn't always sure what he felt, not until long after joining Lucas and Kumatora, and even then he was only going along with what he's always done.

"My feelings tell me to protect my friends most of all. That's what strongest in my heart. But...I might have been ignoring any other kind of feeling that has to do with me. What I want for myself."

He turned to his Shadow, who remained silent, though continuing to look at the real Duster disdainfully.

"Because everyone else's opinion was more important. But thinking about it...I think-- no, I should pay more attention to myself. I do want to stand up for myself, but doing that...it's hard." A hand was held out to the Shadow. "I'll need your help doing that."

The Shadow glanced at the hand, then back to Duster's face. No one moved for a tense minute as Duster's mouth tightened into a line.

"Now that's what I'm talking about." The Shadow gripped his in a handshake, and a light enveloped the two. When all was clear, Duster stood in the middle of the room, hand still outstretched.

Santa pumped his fists in the air. "Yeah, that's how you do it!"

If this want meant to be a solemn moment, Santa was ruining it. Oh well.

"We gotta go out and celebrate. Dance at a club, or karaoke or something. We can even all wear those stup...uh, those cool band t-shirts." There was probably a good reason Akane usually did the planning for the two of them back home. Whatever. Santa wasn't about to let all this adrenaline go to waste.

K'pandolu grinned, clapping her hands together. "That's the spirit! And we'll help where we can- but I think you've got a good place to start from now."

"Yeah!" Rialynn agreed. "That couldn't have been an easy thing to do, but once it settles in...you get used to it. It's better."

But now came the end, and she never really knew quite what to say in these kinds of moments. It sounded like Santa and Duster wanted to spend some quality time together, and she wasn't about to make herself the third wheel.

"...Wellllp, I'd better go check on my horse so...you guys have fun!"

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