melodiesoflife | #12 | It's time to take some time away...

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#12 | It's time to take some time away...

Who: Sephiroth & #1) Open, #2) Tifa/Alice/Open #3) Terra
When: Post Zelda's Meeting: 25-31st August
Where/What: #1) Aqures Ixen: Helping to repair, #2) B-04: Preparing to leave, #3) Flence: Some time away
Warnings: N/A, except for potential eye-rolling in #3

#1 - 26-27th August/ Aqures Ixen: Helping to repair [Open]
[There is still a lot of work to be done in repairing many of the buildings that are still damaged in some way from the battle. It's only right, in the wake especially of Zelda's meeting, that he use the time that he's managed to get from taking leave from Esdham constructively in repairing what -by proxy- he at least had some part in causing. That guilt is still there, and this is his attempt to reconcile at least some of the weight from off of his consciousness.

Many houses and other buildings need to be at least patched up so that citizens could move back into their residences safely where more cosmetic repairs could be revisited at a later stage. He's no architect, nor much of a builder but at the very least Sephiroth can lend his strength where it's needed; and with a Job change, he's soon fitting well into a team of volunteers doing various jobs around the damaged districts. Breaking bricks, chopping wood, hauling materials up and down rickety scaffolding...

Even with glass, as atop the roof of the greenhouse at Jardin Verdoyant, fitting the last pane carefully into place.]

#2 - 27th August/ B-04: Preparing to leave [Tifa and/or Alice / Open]
[The house that Sephiroth claims residence in has hardly been touched by the battle and those repairs that had needed to be done were superficial rather than major structural damage. There is an odd irony in there somewhere. Still makes it no less bitter than for several other streets all around them the scenery would remain scarred for a while yet.

It's a good idea, getting away for the weekend. They both needed a break from the constant doom and gloom, and Flence were far enough removed that they might even be able to pretend it hadn't happened. At the very least they might be able to come back afterwards, a little more clear-headed. Doesn't help the current predicament though...

Sephiroth's often-used, large military issue rucksack is spread wide open on top of his bed. Half-filled with that which he deems the essentials and a few items of clothing besides. He stands over it, suspended in a long pause as he tries to keep his thoughts on the task in front of him. Who knew it'd ever be so difficult to decide what needs to be taken?]

#3 - 30th August/ Flence: Some time away [Terra]
The County of Flence reflected, in it's tranquility, the Temple of Water that's housed nearby to it. Neutral from all of the conflicts that have befallen Crystallis, Flence retained a peace to it's picturesque visage that might as well be another world away from the strife of the Aqurean region - that Sephiroth and Terra had been surrounded by constantly since before the attack of the Imperial Fleet.

Not that they hadn't had to pay for it. The double-roomed suite that Sephiroth had managed to secure at one of the smaller inns had devoured almost two-thirds of what he would be paid for a month in Esdham. He'd known it would be on the pricey side, and it wasn't as if he hadn't any gil saved up, but actually parting with such expense willingly caused a pause sometimes.

Two days later though, and it had all been worth it. The comfort was on another level, even the small lounge area in the suite told of the exquisite fabric that had been used to make it and that was a fact which reflected everywhere during their stay. The scenery was breathtaking especially at sunrise and again at sunset as the river cast the light back as if it were on fire; golden in the morning, gleaming crimson as the evening drew in. Not to mention the food; they hadn't been kidding when Sephiroth had read that Flence was reported to have the finest cuisine in the World.

Never mind that it had been sunny for every day of their visit, for some reason it didn't seem to bother Sephiroth as much as it might have done if he'd spent so much time outside in the Aqures region. The creams and oils available to protect skin were of the highest standard too, and melted right in without feeling heavy.

On their last evening in the town, the pair had wandered down to the winding pathway, lined with trees, which followed the river off towards the Temple of Water which was located out of town a ways. The air felt significantly cooler near to the water and the breeze that came off of it was refreshing to feel across the sun-warmed skin of faces and shoulders, it's almost as if Sephiroth's hair had been similarly revitalized from the long weekend of relaxation - loose and almost seeming feather-light, moving minutely in the same breeze as he kept a casual pace beside Terra.

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She skipped over the question she had subconsciously wanted to ask. Leisure? It was a strange thought that Sephiroth himself would ever partake of such a thing, causing the young bartender to float for a moment in thought over the sorts of hobbies that a man of his ilk might partake of when away from the busy conscripted life.

"You wrote me a letter shortly before the last time you left. It was an apology letter, more or less."

She reaches into the small pocket sewed into the waist of her skirt, pulling out the folded script that she'd kept on her as of late.

"I don't remember being owed anything, let alone an apology. So, I wasn't really sure why you wrote this to me, and it's been something I've been wanting to ask you about for a while.. Where is it you're about to go any way? I'm uhh- I'm not keeping you, right?"

Before the last time he had left...

Sephiroth's eyes dropped to the folded piece of paper which was taken out of her pocket as he cast his mind back to when that might have been. He'd returned to Esdham after he'd come out of stasis last time, shortly before the attack by the Imperial Fleet had become known...his frown deepened as he considered what had been the time before that...

From before his stasis, he remembered spending a lot of his time on duty in Esdham...

Then Tifa explained further and something sparked in his eyes as Sephiroth's recollection caught up. Could she have been really sitting on wanting to ask him about it for that long? Stupid question really as here she was asking it, and he hadn't exactly been inclined to keep in touch with anyone. It was better that way; but it's the reason for that self-exclusion that rose like hot air to the surface of his thoughts again.

"I do remember the one." His voice settled into a somber tone as for now he disregarded Tifa's questions about his present trip and thoughts lingered on that part of his past in Crystallis. He shuddered a little, and it took a great deal of self control not to lean back against the post at that end of the bed.

"I couldn't bring myself to say it to your face, and even in a letter the apology isn't enough. But I had to settle it somehow." Eyes flicked from the floor and locked with Tifa's as he gently spoke next as if the air might break like glass if he spoke too intently.

"Regardless of the fact that I'm not yet that man -and with any luck I never will be- it makes it no less real, all that you have been through."

There's an uneasiness in the pit of her stomach, as if she'd just been slugged by a solid hook to the kidney that rocked her foundation. The last thing she had been expecting, let alone an apology for something that he wasn't even responsible for, was to hear him speak of the events that she had been through.

Much of the early months in Crystallis in his company had been held with malice, a thorn-covered grasp wrapped around her thoughts when thinking of him. She'd bled so many times because of him, both physically and emotionally, and it had been the most difficult thing she had faced thus far. To put behind her the sort of prejudice that would keep progress at a standstill, it was something that still lingered from time to time before she realized where her mind had gone. The sight of him, the sound of his voice, many things about him stirred up the memories of her turmoil and grief.

However, this was not Gaia. This was not her home, this was not the world she knew. Holding such a grudge would only eat away at her, and it is for this reason that she hands the letter out to him. Her arm extended, she gives the tall gentleman a rather displeased look as her free hand settles on her hip with a confident push.

"What are you apologizing for? You said it yourself. You aren't that man, right?"

Conversely to Tifa, where she had come to Crystallis with said prejudice against him weighing her down Sephiroth had been none the wiser for an extended amount of time. He remembered how she had flown at him, almost, when faced with the crystal statue of Aerith -whom then he hadn't even known.

Gradually, piece by piece, fragments of his future had been suggested to him. Hinted at. Not directly-referred to in one context or another. The dream in which he had spent in the mind of his doppelganger had given glimpses enough, that any logical mind as sharp as his own might have been able to begin to put together something of a picture. The reasons why she had held such resentment. Sephiroth still didn't know all of his own story, but he knew enough of the glimpses of events he'd been able to glean...to get enough of an idea as he cared to know about.

Never mind that he still couldn't comprehend, within himself the deep-seated hatred within that man and whence it had come.

Sephiroth looked over Tifa once more before his eyes settled on the note that she held out for him to take, a similar drop in the depth of his gut preventing him from taking it the way that she had intended. It wasn't quite as simple as she said, and he knew it.

"I'm not yet that man. I am very much the same man, though, no matter which way you might look at it. Something that needs to be accepted. I just don't remember it all...yet."

No matter how he might have disagreed with her profusely at the time, the more he thought about it the more Kalki's words made sense; there was little point trying to run from it. It might not even catch him up, ever, but if it did-

"I want you to keep that. To remember that I did write it. Just in case."

She juts her arm out forcefully, almost as if she were trying to post the letter to Sephiroth's chest. There isn't an ounce of concern for how hard she hits, though it is obvious that there is no malice in her action.

"Just in case?"

Tifa lets out a long sigh, her hair almost standing up from the levels of frustration that she was feeling from the conversation, even if they'd only shared sparse words to this point.

"What is it with men on Gaia? You spend most of your time either looking too far into the past or too far into the future to stop and notice what is happening in the Now.

Look, I don't want to keep this letter. It's a nice gesture, and I was pretty shocked to receive it, but.. There's no reason for it."

Her lips purse together as she mulls over her thoughts for a moment, not being the most poetic, but hoping that her words are both chosen correctly and impactful enough to make their mark.

"You haven't done anything wrong. And I'm 99.9% sure you WON'T do anything wrong. We're not on Gaia, and there is no set future for us here. You're not involved with ShinRa, and if you know what might come to be then, well, you'll know to do whatever it takes to curb it.

You don't have to accept anything, or like the outcome of what's going to happen on Gaia. I'd be more worried if you gave up and just resolved to letting those things happen. But, you're not. So why hold onto an "if"? An apology isn't going to mean much if you decide to go and slaughter us.

For some one so strong, that's a pretty thoughtless thing to presume, don't you think?"

There really was no making her back down though, was there? He thought to himself, as the piece of paper impacted with this chest and by reaction he brought a hand in to retrieve it. Staring at it almost as if it might be from another world or something. Reliving all the thoughts that had been rushing through his head at the time when he penned it, how important he had felt it was that he wrote something, anything to her in response to the actions of his doppelganger. He hadn't been able to stop that man from mercilessly killing Tifa, as well as many other Heroes of Light, in pursuit of his own selfish agenda.

Sephiroth forcibly dragged his eyes away from it and lowered his hand as he looked up to Tifa again as she began to put yet more thoughts into speech. As she went on, the coiling weight in his gut proceeded to get heavier as she spoke of his strength..of how she had faith that he wouldn't give in to the monster that he would later become in his own story. That he'd do whatever it took to walk a different path.

It was how he'd felt about it, when he'd returned from stasis. How he'd resolved within himself to let it rest and carry on with whatever the path here might lead him to. Before he'd been dragged back into the bosom of war...before Kalki had proved just how well she'd managed to maneuver them all just like...puppets. How she informed him, in not so many words, that the answers he wanted were answers that his future self would comprehend entirely and how -clearly- he were running from himself.

"I've not done anything wrong." He repeated, and for a moment it sounded as if he were just using those words to reinforce it within himself before the feeling twisted on itself. Sephiroth dropped his gaze again, this time to the half-open bag on the bed still.

"Did you see what's left of the 13th District, since we got back?" After a heavy pause, he decided to carry on with his packing even if she were still in the room. Sephiroth took a step back towards the dresser once more, placing the letter on top of it and opening the largest, second drawer down.

"What part of that, did I not let happen, hm?"

"You're honestly going to blame yourself for what happened this past month?"

She rubs her forehead for a moment, trying her best to watch the bite in her words, knowing that anger isn't going to resolve guilt or worry.

"You're not a savior. You're only human, Sephiroth. What happened was a tragedy, something we can never forget. But you can't blame yourself. For years I kept telling myself if.. If I had been stronger, or if I hadn't been so trusting, maybe my home town wouldn't have burned down and my f-.. the people I cared about would still be alive.

You can't think the outcome of this is your fault or because you didn't do enough."

Tifa's words were like a raging wave crashing against an impermeable rock, but Sephiroth did pause to hear them out. The drawer still half-open, his back to her, the very ends of his long silver hair moving just slightly in a draft from the slightly open window. He froze, just as his resolve did as she expressed what so many had already tried to comfort him with.

Logically, he knew that they were right and he shouldn't make himself shoulder the blame. Realistically, he knew well the price of war could well be forever untold casualties and collateral damage; hell, he'd been the cause of that on several occasions before. Quite often, he chewed on thoughts that fought him into believing the contrary. It had been his defense strategy, to blockade the 13th, to set up the four satellite bases so that the limited force he had at his disposal were further split down. Sure it had meant mobility and the intention for a quick reaction to issues during the battle had been the plan but-

The price, ultimately, had been a steep one. Sephiroth couldn't let do of the heavy lead weight that clung to his insides every time he even thought about that graveyard, with the Heroes of Light statue at the center almost as if it were indicating to the World that it was all their doing. He took a long, deep breath to steady himself before looking back over his shoulder at Tifa.

"I blockaded the 13th. Those were my orders, no one elses. I split the forces when we were already limited in number; knowing well that it was a gamble." He shook his head, biting at the inside of his bottom lip momentarily as something so much more prickly than simple anger stirred deep down.

"Who else should take the responsibility? I won't have any of the others take it, and even if Palitutu could take the blame as well; I was the one encouraging others to trust her. How could I have been so blind?"

"You aren't at fault for there being so few of us, and you certainly aren't at fault for what happened with Palitutu. She had us all fooled, some more than others. We've been brought here with very little. It was only natural that we'd trust people so easily. But now we know."

She could easily bring up the situation in Nibelheim. It had many similarities to where the two of them now stood in circumstance. Her town, her people, had been so trusting of those involved with ShinRa so as to let some one like Sephiroth into their hometown. They had not expected the outcome, the rampage and horror and flame. So too had the people of this world, this city, put their trust into people who had no right in having such a position.

"None of this excuses what happened, but there's no point in putting guilt on yourself or blaming yourself for what happened. I'm positive you did all that you co do, unless you just stood there and did nothing."

Fingers fidget as usually in these cases a hand or a hug would typically settle the uneasy nerves of a friend. Tifa could not offer either outside of words or a pair of soft eyes that might ease his woes.

"Don't take what happened, the lives that were lost or the betrayal we've been stuck feeling lost with, in vain.. Learn from it, build yourself up with it, make yourself stronger and wiser. We know who our enemy is, and letting them get away with what's happened is far worse than our inability to make a difference so far. The Sephiroth I know isn't the sort of person to let something like this get in their way..

Things are different here, but you are a hero. Heroes.. they stand up no matter how many times the world kicks them or tries to make them feel less than what they are. That's something you showed Cloud, and it's something I know you're capable of doing."

I should never have been so naive. But he kept that thought to himself, caught somewhere between conscious thought and actual speech like a tap caught just before it'd drip once more. The walls around Sephiroth's emotions that Tifa might have seen a crack in soon harden up again as she goes on with the motivational speech that could well have worked...on near enough anyone else.

Sephiroth closed the drawer to the dresser and turned around to face Tifa once more, looking over her with an odd sort of light disbelief painted across the ridge of his eyebrows which seemed to be forever joined at the top of his nose. He couldn't quite believe what he was hearing and -moreover- who he was hearing it from. The very last person he'd expect to be even thinking of attempting to encourage him...it was a mystery right until that last sentence. Cloud.

"Humph." He stood back up from where he'd been leaned back against the drawer and dropped his arms from where they had automatically curled up and over the front of his chest. Sephiroth tried to make himself stand up just that little taller, while behind his facade he scrambled with a pride which had been all but totally hollowed out. There was no other way to put it; he simply wasn't that hero...not in this reality.

"I am certainly no Hero, here. No matter how I have tried repeatedly to prove to myself otherwise." A short breath was taken, so that he could continue without Tifa speaking up in the meantime.

"Things are different here, you're right. A big part of that difference is the fact that I'm not half of what I was back home. Cloud...has stepped up to the opportunities that Crystallis has given him. I-"

Sephiroth's expression visibly soured again and he ripped his eyes from Tifa and rested them on the bag on the bed again.

"-I don't think I've ever got my balance on the step down."

The warmth of the palm of her hand once more finds the heavy woe of her forehead as she rubs her covered mitt against it.

"Life isn't perfect. You can't just sit here and beat yourself up for something you could or couldn't do. What good is wallowing in any of this? You're just as useless sitting here feeling sorry for yourself or getting upset because things have seemed off as you are with a toothpick in a sword fight."

Hands fall to her hips, standing wide as she faces him head on again without a look of frustration in her eyes.

"And what is this about not being a Hero? It's why you were brought here. It's why we were all brought here. I doubt this Queen that people are talking about is prone to making mistakes. What little I know? She doesn't seem the type. I know things are rough, and my just saying so doesn't make it any easier. Most of what I've said has either gone in one ear and out the other, and there's no point in boring you with any attempt I make at trying to lift your spirits."

A few steps forward and she pats two open hands on his shoulders, giving him a shake in much the same way she had done with Cloud many times before.

"Whatever you're going through? It's going to pass. But you're going to have to find out for yourself what it's going to take to get there. If you need help along the way, you're not alone. Not this time."

He didn't say anything as Tifa got the frustration out of her system. Sephiroth's gaze ran along the line, and then back, of one of the seams visible on the bag that was half packed. A distraction to help prevent him taking very much of what the brunette were saying as personal; he did vaguely appreciate that she were only trying to help him, yet he were the farthest from the type of person for which talking about problems might help. Talking about all of this only brought it out from the recesses of his conscious thoughts, into a light, under a magnifying glass; the imperfections picked out.

There was the root of all of it in her first statement. Sephiroth's life had always been, and he had always strove to be, perfect. Anything less, even if the casualties hadn't been as bad, and he would have felt responsible as if an entire mission had failed. It was just how he'd been raised, and he was proud to be so diligent.

Not a Hero. Even as Tifa stepped forward and placed her hands on his shoulders to shake him, a movement that Sephiroth felt detached from, it's clear to him that still Tifa didn't connect with how exactly he meant that. He couldn't be the Hero that he had been on Gaia, because the circumstances were so very different. Not only in terms of the lack of mako, but the lack of resources, his own lack of authority even if he did retain a respectable rank in the military...it wasn't the same.

"I wish I could believe that, Tifa." Firmly, but so as not to wrench her hands from him he raised his to lift hers from his shoulders. Sephiroth's expression remained troubled, the temptation to just dismiss all she had just said as worthless was strong but at the same time he owed it to her at least to try and put words together so that she might understand.

"This world likes to spin me around until I'm not sure which way is up anymore. It makes me stumble along the way and quite often trips me flat on my face. It's impossible to be the Hero I was brought here to be, when there is so much I still don't know about myself and what my exact relevance is. Certain...things keep being hinted at...things I can't just put aside."

He took a pause, to swallow back a lump that would have had his self-control destroyed and all restraint he wanted would have been fruitless. He rested a hand on the bag nearby on the bed again, looking quickly from it to Tifa.

"That's why I'm going away for a short break. Before this City suffocates me in it's misery."

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#12 | It's time to take some time away...

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