melodiesoflife | #15 | What goes down must come up again~?

Entry tags:

#15 | What goes down must come up again~?

Characters: Sephiroth [Open; will top-level prompt]
Where/When: Aqures Ixen, Evening-Early Morning 11-12/May
Summary: Between this and that, whatever progress Sephiroth has made with his once-proud ego finds itself sunk to the bottom of a bottle...or two...or three? This can only end one way, and lets hope this doesn't destroy his career.
Warnings: This is not designed to be a ‘come drink with me’ log (though by all means you’re welcome to try and be social). CW's include but not limited to: lonesome stress-drinking, self-destruction, anxiety/freaking-out, snap-violent reactions, confrontations etc.

There were worse taverns he could have picked, for sure, from the downright seedy or otherwise questionable establishments across Aqures. It was sometime in the early evening that Sephiroth passed the front door to the Space Saloon, like he had done a few hundred times since those months ago, when he’d helped to furnish it in the wake of the Battle of Aqures Ixen.

However, not more than a few strides later did a passing thought push itself to the front of his consciousness which soon found the SOLDIER turning heel and entering the Saloon a few moments later. The only interruption came, where Spencer were always at Sephiroth's side, the small bespectacled moogle turned back as soon as he realized his Hero was distracted-

"Kupo, you know we need to get back soon. Dinner will probably be on already."

"I know. Go on, I won’t be long."

Spencer squeaked, not entirely approving but far be it for him to forbid any Hero of Light from doing what they wanted, and gave a tiny quick-salute before turning back to the street that would lead him home. Sephiroth was responsible, always, and he knew he wouldn't keep Terra waiting.

One drink couldn't hurt, and it wasn’t like he had a habit of it. Break up the monotony of the routine he'd found himself settle back into again. Neither could it hurt to turn the volume of persistent poisonous thoughts down for a few hours. Might even get to relax, for a change; wasn't that what everyone else in the premises was doing, after all?

1) Had Enough [Open - Space Saloon]
2) Time to get home [Open - Post-Saloon, potential confrontations]
3) Panic Stations [Additional cw: drunk-sick]
4) End [Towards/Arriving at the Observatory/Next Morning]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Whatever spasms Sephiroth were starting to go through, as Selen held his hair back -though it seems that they might have led to even more painful upchucking- sure enough there wasn't anything else to come out. Moving his hair on that side reveals the extent of the fist-shaped bruise to the top-outside of his cheek where it's otherwise too dark to have seen, or his hair was in the way before.

It also reveals the wetness streaming down his face, as tears seeping uncontrollably from reddened eyes. Not that she sees much of that particular detail, given as he's looking pointedly away and down at the corner where the building met the pavement.]

There's no point.

[He makes a small noise which could be a categorized as a grunt that he's used to cover up a hiccup, if not for the fact that it happens again a moment later. And then twice in quick succession. Sephiroth's breathing has increased it's pace significantly as it's starting to feel as if his throat is closing up. The small grunts he makes being his attempt to clear it. All the while still shaking; but he's not cold, actually he's feeling warmer within himself as the seconds tick by.

From the other voices nearby, the shame at being seen by yet more people in this state just piles on the feeling of uselessness that's quickly rising to overwhelm whats left of his once-proud, now drowned ego. His other leg gives up being crouched and Sephiroth presses the other side of his face to the concrete of the corner of the building, as if it might just open into a void and swallow him up.]

-just. Go. [He strains to raise his voice, and even that is shaking - not turning his head more than he needs to lest anyone else try to accuse him of trying to drown his sorrows.]

-it'll all be over soon.

Good Evening Sheena, Dear.

[ Selen greeted the young woman with a nod of her head. She was still doing her best to help Sephiroth in the matter, still sort of leaning over towards him and trying to hoist him up with her extremely petite form. ]

I suppose that is a good idea. Perhaps, A hospital would be more suited. I'm afraid he's acquired some injuries, one or two of which were probably mine.

[ Not that she had any pride on punching the man a few times. She was trying to get him to put himself back together but obviously that wasn't a thing. At the sound of another voice, she looks up again appreciating Sheena's offer to help in whatever form it may be. ]

It seems like we might have a rescue party going.

[ She mused in a soft joking yet serious tone when she heard Jade's voice ]

Good evening to you too, Jade. Any assistance would be appreciated. I'm afraid I miscalculated my own strength this time. Yes, I think that seems to be the majority choice in the matter. I hope that all of you can give me a hand if it's alright.

[ She added to Mary's concern. She wanted to ensure that he would be okay no matter what. Of course, the bruises and such she discovered on him slowly as she peeled away his hair were making her concerns even more prominent. She brushed her hand gently against the bruise, pressing a cloth of sorts. Hopefully it wasn't bleeding. It seemed like Sephiroth was crying but Selen made no announcement of that as she continued to push at him to get up, gently at it. ]

That's not an option that any of us are willing to take. I'm certain we're all worried about you and wish to assist you. Now, please don't be stubborn about this dear.

[ Sheena nods in greeting to Selen and the others as they arrive a little distractedly as she focuses on Sephiroth. She had seen the beginning of that bruise earlier, but as she's standing on the other side of him, she can't see just how bad it had become.

Also leaning over him to push his hair back out of the way, her fingers cool with some Ice magic, she pauses when she sees the wetness there. Like Selen, however, she doesn't draw attention to it.

Instead, she supports what the other woman says. ] Yeah, I think we should get him where he can be treated. Unless someone here can heal? [ Please, oh please let there be someone who can heal.

[ She gives Selen a reassuring nod. ] Of course I'll help you. And Sephiroth. [ Turning to Jade, she uses the direct approach. ] We're definitely going to need a hand here. Think you two can stand behind him and help us get him to his feet?

[ Come on, look at the two of them. They're a little on the vertically challenged side.

Shaking her head, she looks at Sephiroth. ]

What? No way. I'm not going anywhere, and like Selen said, I don't think anyone else is, either. We're your friends, Sephiroth; we care about you.

[ You're not alone, you big goof. ]

I don't have my healing magic, unfortunately... But I am equipped to mix potions. [Jade had just switched Jobs to Alchemist. At least there are worse options he could have taken.] I should be able to make something to help detoxify his blood faster. We don't want alcohol poisoning on our hands.

[He nods to Sheena's request. Being almost as tall as Sephiroth, he's the most logical choice to be taking the brunt of the weight. As much as he dislikes manual labor, there's time and place for those kinds of complaints.]

I think the situation calls for privacy. [He steps closer and kneels by Sephiroth, prepared to help him stand once the two of them are done administering first aid.] The observatory should be almost empty by now. I can work there.

[There are a lot of ways he could respond to Sephiroth's weak objection, none of them very helpful right now. No point kicking the man while he's down.]

[Sephiroth's breathing starts to come in quick, successive pulls of air as Selen's presence is added to by Sheena, then Jade comes in and crouches close too-

Too close. Can't...breathe-

He swallows yet more frenzied gulps of air and seems to suddenly wake from his stupor at staring at the corner of the pavement to his side. Flicking his eyes to each and every one as they reach out to him, some of them even touching. Most of the haziness from the drink seems to be clearing but the clarity reaching his logic now isn't constructive at all.]

Get. Away from me.

[He even pushes, grazing fingertips across the brick of the corner of the building, against the wall to push himself forwards and then back again into the corner. Only to get distance where he's feeling trapped. Perchance to breathe where he's all of a sudden acutely aware of the sensation of his chest and throat tightening as they all press in to try to help.

It doesn't help, though, and Sephiroth shuffles his body along the side of the wall some; away from the deposit he made earlier. Leather doesn't slide very well on the concrete but the difficulty just defines everything about life, the claws dug in deep from the underside of his own introspection.

He rests heavily against the wall a few feet away and draws knees up under his chin, curling arms across knees tightly enough that he might well break himself if he did so any tighter, and pressing his forehead hard against where his knees met.]

I'm not worth any of this. Just let it be.

[It's spoken loudly but only so that his voice isn't mumbled against his knees, as the short gasps of air might well sound like sobs if they weren't so strangled, panicked.]

Take it easy now and yes, I think that is an excellent idea, Jade. If you would grace us with the assistance on the matter, I'd appreciate it very much. Yes, it sounds like a good location. Perhaps we should try to relocate then?

[ When Selen watch him suddenly move to a corner, though knowing that he also needed air, she didn't get too close to him. Though, her brows were slightly knit together in concern for the man as he told them all to get away from him. Of course, she registered that he wasn't the type to easily accept help and would remain prideful and stubborn about it until the bitter end. Even then she isn't even sure if he will give up.

Sephiroth was a whole different kind of frustrating now, but she was the first to move over again seeing she was trying to get him to stand up or perhaps move somehow so he can be taken to a safer place. Jade seemed to know what he was talking about so she trusted the man as always. It seemed like their task was becoming more difficult by the minute.

Eventually, she was kneeling at the length in which he had his face pressed against his knees. ]

Sweetie, what are you talking about. That's not something you should say about yourself.

[ Selen replied her tone becoming a bit more stern. ]

You're going to have to loosen your grip unless you want to further injure yourself.

[ She's trying to grasp the situation really. ]

[ Sheena nods in agreement. The observatory is the perfect place to take him, and she's once again reaching for him when she sees his eyes darting like a caged animal.

Still, she's too late, and she winds up taking the brunt of his push, falling on to her behind as he moves past her. She's up in a flash, though, looking at Selen, she saw her own concern mirrored in the woman's expression. And she recognized in Sephiroth herself--stubborn, not wanting to be a burden to others, refusing to ask for help...

Feeling unworthy...

Well, Sheena wasn't going to have any of that, and her approach this time wasn't too gentle. Striding over to him, she stood with her hands on her hips and gave him a stern look. ]

Not worth it? Seriously? You honestly believe that? [ She paused. ] Do you want me to smack you again?

[ She'll do it, too. Knock some sense into you, Seph. ]

[Selen's words only give Sephiroth cause to open his hands and then squeeze towards his opposite elbows even tighter. It's only the leather between his arms creaking but the sensation he registers could well be a reflection of his bones yawning beneath the pressure he's delivering to himself.

Talking isn't at the front of his mind, between the quick breaths he keeps taking, hyperventilating while struggling to get a grip of the cold, vice-like grip of something bitter inside of him wanting to wrench his insides that much tighter than he's gripping his own knees. Sephiroth shivers again, just as Sheena steps in again to peer down at him disapprovingly.

To begin with it's like he's not even heard Sheena either. But then, almost out of the blue he raises his head and makes a concerted attempt to slow his breathing some. A long huff of an exhale as he meets her eye contact with narrowed eyelids.]

Do what you like. Doez't matt'r anymoar.

[He'll even turn his head to the side, away from the direction of everyone. His cheat heaving away as it would if he'd just completed some vigorous exercise. Perhaps if Sheena hits hard enough it'll put him out of his misery...do them all a favor...]

["I'm not worth any of this". Sometimes a bit of a drink could bring out the truth of what someone kept in their heart. The guard that one kept up fell and their heart spoke freely of what it felt, regardless of the reality. The problem was when people lingered there long enough to believe those words. Sephiroth didn't seem the kind, but the fact that he'd been driven to this level of drink didn't bode well for the man either.]

Somehow I doubt that's true. You've done a lot for the people of this world, even if a few of them don't know how to appreciate it. [She didn't mean anyone in particular besides a few particular named folks, but she knew the public opinion on the Heroes varied. And there was no call to try to prop up Sephiroth with obvious and shoddy partial truths.]

And I know a few of our own look up to you to. I'd dare say you're worth more than you expect to a lot of folks.

[She crouches down, not getting any closer but at least putting herself more at his eye level, trying to keep some of his focus on her and her voice.]

Right now though, we're here because it doesn't do to leave a man in the gutter in his own sick. It's a man's own business what he does with a bottle, but it's the right thing to make sure he gets home after.

[Glancing up, she makes eye contact with Sheena and Jade. She's not sure how Selen might feel about it, but her own thought is it might do to take him where he needs to go whether he wants to or not. Raising her hands she gives her fingers a little waggle, magical energy sparkling at her fingertips.]

Course, if you want us to go, you'll have to pardon us for bein' a bit slow here. You can't blame us for not simply floatin' on by.

[She cocks her head, hoping the message got across, and waits for permission.]

[Jade can't say he's surprised by any of this. Sephiroth's mental state has never been completely stable, and lately it's been one unpleasant reveal after another. The ever collected facade had to crack sooner or later.

At least nothing's burned down yet.]

Alright, give him a little space. And no violence, please. There's a time and place for that.

[He meets Kidd's gaze and considers the suggestion. It's tempting, and would certainly make it easier for them to drag Sephiroth to the observatory. On the other hand, taking away what little control Sephiroth still has over himself could make the panic attack worse...

Silently signaling Kidd to wait a little longer before they resort to that, Jade regards Sephiroth for a moment and then goes straight for the one thing that should elicit a reaction.]

Terra will be worried sick if you don't return home. Is that what you want? [He pauses long enough to let the words sink in.] If she's more important to you than sitting here and wallowing, then drop the self-pity and cooperate.

[Jade never was one for friendship speeches.]

[ Sheena herself had been waiting for some kind of reaction after they had seen the video and the time in the Sage's vision approached. However, she had been thinking more along the lines of having defied fate rather than feeling worthless from the man. ]

Oh, but Sephiroth, it matters. You matter. Don't you see? We're all here because we believe that.

[ Even Jade.

Stepping back, she gives Jade a look. If she was going to actually hit Sephiroth, she would have by now. Like she had earlier. She didn't always lash out unexpectedly, you know.

And surprising herself, she agrees with the man over Kidd's suggestion and shakes her head. Sephiroth is a proud man, not wanting to be a burden to others, so letting him get to where they want to take him under his own power will let him keep that pride.

The moment Jade mentions Terra, however, she does step back--out of potential harm's way. She's not sure how Sephiroth will react, but she's not taking any chances. ]

I think we all got a bit of excitement this evening. It'd be best to refrain from anymore damage, but Jade is right, Terra will be worried sick and I'm certain she's already wondering where you are. I can't say this is a good time to be out on your own.

[ Selen replied still within his presence but she had moved a few steps back to give him some space and air. As Jade said, violence would only lead to other conflicts and Mary's response seemed to be reasonable enough. She was fine with it as long as the other wasn't falling on his face every five steps or less.

It was her only concern since Sephiroth would sport more injuries than necessary and she wasn't fond of having to see him even more injured than he is. ]

Why don't you lead us then, Sephiroth? We'll follow and we'll only assist if you truly can't get back on your own, but as the young lady said, we're not going to idly watch you on your own, unfortunately.

You all-

[-just don't understand! He wants to scream, but Sephiroth can't get the words together in his drunk-mind, let alone actually go the extra step and attempt to communicate where it still feels like there is a great hand in his chest squeezing all of his airways closed.

There is nothing he can do but let each of them say their piece, like stormy waves crashing against the weathered surface of the man he once liked to think he was. Kidd's only saying that to try to make him- just like Sheena and-

Jade's comment earns a disgruntled noise which is essentially a low grunt of a growl accompanied by a slow turning of his head back in his once-comrades direction. Aside from the comment about violence; for sure he's seen enough of that tonight - or had he? Terra. Talk about going for the jugular; and then for Selen to back it up...

That weakness that he'd let himself develop, that he'd known all along would eventually be brought to bear against him. Should've known better, for now for all of his promises about keeping her safe and happy...it's all just been for nothing.

Sephiroth's gaze hides none of the potential violence another version of himself might deliver, and he would make himself give now if only he had more of a will to move.]

You think ah-dun 'no that? [The way Terra might look at him, the way she might be hurting at the way he's ended up. How she looked that time, when she told him he'd died and how she didn't want that-

And then there was Albel, he hadn't even known! His expression turns angry, sour like he doesn't like the way his own thought-process tastes.]

Better that I had never spoken to her. Ugh-

[It hurts. Sephiroth curls to the side, clutching around his middle as the icy tension inside feels like it might make his heart burst.]

-rather than...believe...something that izn't.

[Kidd's face shows little change through his grunting response. She knows the man isn't all there right now and to not take the storm and fury too seriously. If it did come to violence a man in his state leaves many openings, no matter how well trained they are, unless they are particularly skilled in fighting off balance.

The magic fades from her hand as Jade and Sheena turn down her suggestion, but she's still game to get him where he needs to be for his own sake if it comes to it. Sometimes the nice choice isn't the thing someone needs.

But at the comment of believing in something that isn't her brow furrows. Has something happened between him and Terra? She's not surprised that the two of them would bury whatever happened, given what she knows about them. Hide it away and pretend like it doesn't bother them.

Even if he's in no state to be clear or thoughtful, she doesn't doubt this is what he truly feels. But drunk as he is a pep talk will have trouble getting past that storm of emotion.]

[It's not the first time Jade's had that look directed at him, and it doesn't shake him this time either. There has always been some risk in letting Sephiroth walk freely, but even knowing that violent part of him is still there, just under the surface... Well, Jade made his call long ago. He's hardly going to be intimidated now.

But "believing something that isn't"... So this is either about his future on Gaia, or he's found out about the situation from the Sage's vision. Actually, it's probably both at once.

There's no point arguing about it now, though, when the man isn't sober enough to think straight. For that matter, Jade isn't sure how much the others know about Sephiroth's background. Best not to bring it up.]

But you did. And you can't take it back. Like it or not, you have a duty to fulfill.

[After a brief silence, Jade takes a step forward -- though still leaving plenty of space between them -- and crouches down again. This time, he speaks quietly.]

Sephiroth. Stand up.

[Terra should never have been led to believe that he was the hero when he really wasn't. That he'd be able to keep her safe forever, that the happiness they'd found needed to be cherished; like it too could last forever. When, in reality, there is nothing about Sephiroth's presence on Crystallis that might deliver an outcome like that-

-his essence has already been marked for assimilation, along with all of the Jenova inside of him. For sure, exactly what the Calamity might need to devour.]

My...duty. [He sounds almost spiteful, as Sephiroth's head lolls back away from the group again. Fresh tears just swell up from inside already dried-out eyes. Alcohol does nothing but dehydrate and the activation of his combat mode earlier has sped up the side-effects.]

You know just like I do. My 'duty' is to die.

[Whether he refers to his death in a potential future here, or that which had already happened later in his timeline from Gaia; it makes no difference.]

I can'- stand. No' anymor.

You have many other duties far more important than dying, Sephiroth. This isn't the time for you think in such a way.

[ Of course, she had been listening to this silent conversation for as long as she could without saying anything but for him to say that about himself, poked at a nerve inside of her. Of course dying was the end point. Some point in the future they would all die but she didn't think of it as a duty. Rather, it was something like an escape, an easy way out. ]

Let us help you if you can't stand anymore.

[ She pressed but her tone was soft and not demanding. She was trying to get him to move along and get help in some way. ]

[Mary had heard folk say that before. Soldiers who had given up on any hope of seeing their homes once again. Some were distraught about it, and she pitied those men. Others held it as a point of pride, laying their lives on the line in the face of the pirates who had attacked them. She pitied them all the more.

But Sephiroth...no, there was no pity. She knew he was better than this even if the drink was making him say otherwise. Still knelt in front of Sephiroth and alongside Jade she held out her hand in offering.]

If you want to cast off your duty that's fine. Stand for yourself then. Lean if you must, but use those feet of yours to move forward.

I'z all ah- 'vr had.

[Sephiroth can't bring himself to look back at Selen; no matter how kind or soft her words were. Or to Kidd as she comes close again, crouching and extending a hand. His gaze is lowered, wet lashes keeping all potential eye contact on the floor down to his opposite side while he continues to grip at his knees and shake like a leaf.

The panic attack is receding though and the shame is already starting to ride high on the next tidal wave of emotion that's about to crest.]

Dun see wha' there iz to stand for...can't move forward. It's poin'less.

[ Sheena had remained where she was, but comes forward now. Both Selen and Kidd had made valid points and requests, and now Sheena has something to say as well.

A question that needs to be asked, and whose answer just may get Sephiroth on his feet and rethinking things.

Kneeling before him, the ninja speaks in a gentle, yet firm, voice. ]

Sephiroth. Tell me. What is the one thing or person you cherish and want to protect above everything else? In other words: Why do you fight?

[ If she's right, the name "Terra" will be the answer. ]

Edited 2016-06-16 00:23 (UTC)

[As Sheena's question meets his ears, takes that moment longer to soak in through the haze of alcohol-induced depression he's got around him like a cloud, Sephiroth raises his head again and rests it back against the concrete wall behind him. In silence he lets the wetness just run down his face, keeping his eyes closed.

Why do you fight? Oh the many times he's faced down that question and turned from it. Shrugged it off. Pretended like it hadn't been uttered. With him stuck literally against a wall and still reeling in self-afflicted drunk!sickness there is no running from it.

He goes still for a few beats, which has to be an improvement on the shaking he's been doing. His grip around his knees has slackened too. There is a heavy quiet before he looks to Sheena directly, meeting her eyes as if she might be able to see through them right into the battered depths of his soul for all it's inflamed right now.]

I'v always been a fighter. [The slurring seems to be bottoming out now too, no surprise, he's probably spent the majority of the alcohol in his system now. Between his outbursts, not to mention bodily rejections, tonight.]

...I can't be there fo' her. Not like this.

[He doesn't mean particularly like this, as in the stupor he's got himself into, but damn it could be hard to tell currently.]

[Jade has to resist the urge to let out an annoyed sigh. How does he always end up with the suicidal ones?]

If you're truly a fighter, then you will not run away. Even if the battlefield is inside your own head. [Despite his irritation, Jade's voice remains calm.] You are committed to protecting her, are you not? Then your duty right now is to return to her side, no matter how painful it is. Everything else can wait.

[At least Sephiroth seems to be calming down a little. With any luck, they won't have to resort to force after all.]

I'll say it again. Stand up.

You can be regardless of what state you're in. I'm sure she's content knowing that you are protecting her in your own way. Jade is right, you should stand up and face your problems. We all have our dark pasts to worry about to be honest. None of us are perfect.

[ Herself included. She wasn't as kind or caring as she always appeared to be. It was good to hear that he was calming down some and not throwing a fit or getting himself further injured. It was the matter of stating facts that he would acknowledge to some extent. At least, in her opinion she felt that was the right way to approach this situation. ]

You'll be fine in due time.

It's the things you care about most that have the ability to make you question your path and put a knife to your heart. You wouldn't be feeling this way right now if there wasn't something there that drove you to the drink in the first place. If you could simply turn away from it then you would have already, not left yourself here muttering about your worth.

[She bites her tongue, not wanting to get too harsh on the man.]

I once told a friend that no honest man has an easy life, and it's aching for one that causes the most pain. But that's how you know that the path you tread is worth walking.

Edited 2016-06-20 23:32 (UTC)

[Jade is right, of course. So is Sheena, Selen and Kidd. But Sephiroth doesn't like the rush of internal shame that's sitting in his head waiting to fire in response to those words of common sense and encouragement. What exactly did he think he was doing? This wasn't helping anything, making himself so helpless.

As a result, as Kidd comes to the end of her statement, Sephiroth has taken to leaning his head forwards and bashing the back of it against the wall. Perhaps it's just yet more self-harm, perhaps he just wants to knock some sense back into himself. Maybe if he knocked himself unconscious, the nightmare would end? Of course, he's not meeting eye contact with anyone while he does this.

With his super strength it doesn't take very many repetitions before he's getting a thicker pounding inside his head which is overriding the remains of the effects the alcohol is having. Perhaps with a slight concussion it'll make him think straighter.]

Ah can' go back there. Not tonight. A'm a mess.

[Small progress though, as he shifts his position against the wall some in order to get his legs to a place where he might be able -with some assistance- to get back to his feet.]

#15 | What goes down must come up again~?

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