melodiesoflife | Heroes of Light Anonymous Board

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Heroes of Light Anonymous Board

[Shortly after the newest Heroes arrive, a new board is erected in the middle of the residential district. It just appears one morning with papers already pinned onto it, some with titles written on them. The Barkeep did his best to hide his handwriting by using all capital printed letters.]

HERO OF LIGHT MESSAGE BOARD
AN EASY WAY TO COMMUNICATE AND CHAT ANONYMOUSLY IN A GROUP SETTING. WRITE DOWN A QUESTION UNDER THE APPROPRIATE SECTION OR START YOUR OWN DISCUSSION. THIS BOARD WILL BE CLEARED REGULARLY TO PREVENT CLUTTER

[Mordecai hasn't had access to anything resembling the Internet for a year. He needs to do something to make up for it.]

((OOC: You character can post under one of the comment headers or do someone on their own. This is a fun way to have the Heroes can share something anonymously, or if they want to do something to the billboard, action threads are fine!))

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

HAVE A QUESTION? PUT IT HERE AND GET SOME ANSWERS!

POLITICS, CELEBRITIES, LOCAL EVENTS

LIGHT HEARTED EVENTS THAT DON'T HAVE TO DO WITH THE CALAMITY

RECOMMEND AND REVIEW BOOKS OR PLAYS HERE

[In different handwriting than the one on the title:]

Has anyone ever seen Cid be happy about something? I thought it was just him being upset about Palitutu, but now I'm thinking it's it actual personality.

Who cares? He's a miserable a**hole who gives people s**t quests and probably ****s his ******************* [This entry has language censored by a conscientious moogle who had to pretty much scribble out the second half of his hero's post.]

What do you do if you're love life sucks but you don't want it too?

I'm not the only one who gets fat when the Santa job is equipped, am I? Is there some sort of 'health' cookie I can eat while I'm trying to maximize this job, without sacrificing my physique?

--C.

Try 《OPERANT CONDITIONING》. Every time you eat a cookie, have a black mage shock you. Soon, the association of this 《POSITIVE PUNISHMENT》 with the cookie 《STIMULUS》 will keep you from wanting to eat cookies at all.

Or, if you're a fan of 《CLASSICAL CONDITIONING》, you can mix toothpaste or laxatives or something with your cookie dough, so that the cookies end up repulsing you. Same effect, slightly different school of thought.

Edited (autocorrect is terrible) 2016-05-11 23:59 (UTC)

Don't get all snippy about this. This is a forum for discussion

Eating too much of any kind of cookie is going to get you fat. But if you have to, try oatmeal cookies or one of those gluten-free cookies make from nuts and seeds. It's healthier than regular cookies, so you'll feel less guilty!

Try harder, fail, die alone.

DISCUSSION

The many ways in which the original poster is a dumb***.

[There are a few lines drawn, awaiting other posters' discussion. A couple are filled in and blotted out. A visible portion of one reads uses 'snippy' in a sentence like an ** before degrading back into dark ink scribbles.]

rude!

[After seeing Santa respond to something on the board, her mind is made up. She needs to troll him, especially if he's the one that wrote the mean response to Yuffie's note. So she waits for a while, then sneaks up to pin her own note under the 'Advice Column.']

My age could best be described as 'several decades'. One would expect that my notions of romance have withered up and died, much like my body is trying to do, and yet I find myself deeply in love with a young man who has captured my heart with his humor, patience, kindness, and incredibly handsome face. I fear this would label me as a cradle robber, but being as old as I am, what options do I have? He loves me in return, so I am secure in my love. But what should I do about the naysayers? Should I turn down my hearing aid to block them out?

[Ok, if this 'oldie but goodie' needs advice, who is Santa to deny her his brilliance? He'll bite. He doesn't actually expect anyone to take his advice seriously.]

Ok, so, here's the deal. You're a withered and desiccated shell of a lady, so do what most old hags do. You make everyone think you've got loads of money and that you'll leave it to the people who kiss your ass. The greedy bastards will fall over themselves to get your approval before you kick the bucket, so they won't care what trophy pool-boy you're boning. You can be as eccentric as fuck and nobody will say a goddamn thing about it because they don't wanna get written out of the will.

And if that doesn't work, the other old lady staple is to claim witch powers and threaten to bring down the dreadful curse of the Funyarinpa on anyone who crosses your path.

Oh, sorry, what did you want? 'Wave your magic boyfriend wand and a boyfriend will spring, fully formed, from the ground to sweep you off your feet.'

I don't know maybe some real advice instead of a cynical ass.

Then don't go to an anonymous board. Go out and meet people. Or have your moogle set you up or something. They always seem to be up for that kinda s***.

[Actually, that advice is surprisingly sound. Cunning, too. It's almost a shame she isn't really an old biddy shrouded in wrinkles. She wants to reply, but...curiosity compels her to ask the one question that's eating her up above all others.]

What is a funyarinpa? Is there a way to invoke the curse in truth?

You don't know what the funyarinpa is? How disrespectful! To think, someone so old and venerable, not knowing the funyarinpa. For shame. Denying the funyarinpa's power is how you invoke the curse.

If you want to avoid the terrible curse, you need to apologize to the funyarinpa and take steps to appease its wrath. Leave a lit candle on a dresser in a dark room, count the tiles in your shower, and repeat, "Mighty Funyarinpa, you are not a dog. You are not a koi fish. You are All-Powerful and All-Seeing. Spare me my life."

I'm aware of what happens when I eat too much, believe me. It's easy to resist them when I've got any other Job equipped. But the Santa job does me in every time. Where can I find these nut and seed cookies? As long as they go well with milk, those might help.

[.............Huh?]

I'm not sure I understand. Could you translate that, please?

[Those words sound important, but Chrom knows nothing of science, much to a certain mage's disappointment.]

These solutions sound worse than the problem they're supposed to solve.

I'm not sure if you think you're funny or if you suffered a grievous head injury. Which is it?

[She might be gullible, but she's not an idiot.]

[WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Rialynn sees this, and freaks the hell out. That night there's one less candle for sale in the market place, which she lights, and proceeds to count the shower tiles. One can never be too careful when dealing with curses and all-powerful deities.]

[There's a recipe for low-sugar walnut cookies pinned to the billboard.]

Who knows? Not anything you gotta worry about, seeing as you're likely to drop dead at any moment from age. Maybe you'll find enlightenment in the next world.

I mean, I feel like I was pretty clear. If you don't have the impulse control necessary to stop eating cookies when you take that job, there are ways you can train yourself out of that impulse.

And you know what they say- No Pain, No Gain. Of course it's not gonna be pleasant, but it'll work.

[Hey, that's helpful! It's about time Chrom learned to cook for himself instead of just jamming sticks of meat over an open flame like a neanderthal. He smiles and takes the recipe, leaving a final note.]

Thank you, I'll try this. If I fail and the cookies become inedible, my long-term goal will still be met.

It seems a little more clear now. Thank you for the advice.

[He's pretty sure it's not a good idea to follow it, though, or everything will be terrible.]

[Rukia bursts out laughing when she sees this. If he only knew. IF HE ONLY KNEW. She's already super dead, fool! And she's definitely found plenty of enlightenment in this world. So her next message is super scrawled and chaotic, as if it were written in her left hand. Because it was.]

I wanted to reply with something witty, but I'm having a stroke. I'll consider your words in the meantime.

DISCUSSION: In which the replying poster makes their own case to be banned from the board

Discussion: How does original poster plan to ban another anonymous poster from writing responses on a ********* BULLETIN BOARD? Please address.

Edited 2016-05-13 00:20 (UTC)

Moment of silence for the creepy old lady. You'll be missed. Mostly by your boy-toy. (Hope you left him all your money).

[He's really not convinced of your stroke, sorry.]

To be fair, his home city got blown up, and then he got kidnapped by the Empire and forced to help them out for who-only-knows how long.

And then the first thing he had to do once he got out of that hellhole was babysit us, instead of doing what he actually wants to do. Scientists are cranky when they have to do administrative work.

...Speaking of the person who is way better at handling us than Cid, what's the latest news on Wedge?

Edited (herp, I can html) 2016-05-13 01:17 (UTC)

Well the idea was to get people's opinions d***head. I am not interested in what the moogles think is a good match.

What do you miss most from home?

Have you found a good replacement for it here?

What I miss most is a person.

You could say I found a replacement for her when we were walking back to Aqures Ixen.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Heroes of Light Anonymous Board

ADVICE COLUMN

AQURES IXEN DISCUSSION

WORLD DISCUSSION

FICTION DISCUSSION

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This will only lead to humorous future logs

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Homesickness

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