I did not stand and watch them fall

[zodiac_brave]

Characters: Ramza Beoulve, anyone who wants to help him out
When: Mid November
Where: Aqures Ixen Laboratory
Summary: Ramza goes to face his shadow.
Warning: Despair, crises of faith, potential violence

Ramza waited, nervous energy building, while the moogles at the Laboratory poked and prodded at his Crystal. 'You are your own worst enemy', was that not how the saying went? Ramza wondered if there was truth in that . He was not sure what his Shadow would bring, nor if he was up for the challenge. But if he could not conquer the Calamity within himself, how could he ever hope to save this world from the Calamity from the Skies?

It was worth the risk. He had resolved to give his life, if needed, and he could not falter here.

"Are you ready, kupo?" Simon asked. The Lab moogles nodded and 'kupo'ed in encouragement.

Ramza nodded. "Bring it forth."

The machinery in the laboratory whirred and hummed, and another Ramza appeared, first in flickers, then solidifying. His garb, his features, his build were all the same as Ramza's, but the way he hunched in on himself, cradling one arm close to him as if he was wounded, made him seem smaller, younger. The purple eyes, when he turned his head up to gaze at them, were wide and shining with unshed tears.

"Why are you here?" The Shadow hissed, still half crouched like a wounded animal. "Why did you even bother to come?"
 

Comments

[unpleasanthemokinesis]

They didn't know each other very well, two strangers sharing a house together but he'd been nice to her from the moment they'd met so here she was. Mirai wasn't sure what to expect of this whole thing as all she had was what her Moogle had told her about the whole situation. It was uncertain how much help she'd even be in any aspect but she was determined to help.

Though she stood back away from the others, ready to jump in if necessary but thought it best to leave most of the work to the other people who had come for Ramza. Her eyes widen in surprise as literally a double of her housemate formed. It was hardly the last surprising thing to happen. The Calamity self seemed to be injured and upset. She thought they'd be angry - ready to fight - not like this.

[theendiswherewestartfrom]

Jack wasn't about to let Ramza face this alone. But the way Ramza holds himself, and the strict code that he boxes his behavior into have to be holding back something deep. What could he have been repressing for so long? Jack has his theories, but when they've come to the point of it, he has to let those go, and focus on what is happening in front of him.

When the Shadow appears, Jack automatically starts to reach out a hand towards him, before slowly drawing it back. This is Ramza's pain; he's the one to focus on. "You recognize this?" Wondering if it's tied to a specific point in Ramza's past.

[charming_jerk]

Johnny hadn't been sure what to expect. He knew this was going to be uncomfortable, but the difference between the two Ramzas was startling. It made him worry about what his own Shadow was going to be like.

He wasn't sure what they could do yet, but he was ready for anything.

"Just let us know when you need us."

[rialynn]

Rialynn had been wondering what she was going to see. She'd wondered about it nearly all day, and some of last night as well. The two of them had been through a lot together, and she thought she had a pretty good idea of all that he was. But who could tell? Maybe he was secretly a pervert, or really hated his looks. When the machine hummed, she subconsciously held her breath.

When his duplicate appeared, her brow flickered in consternation. The way he held himself, the way he spoke... Was this some sort of fear? She leaned forward, trying to get a better look.

It would make sense. True courage came from the ability to face fear and move past it for a greater purpose, it wasn't just ignorance of danger.

Her attention moved briefly to Jack and Johnny, then back to Ramza as she gave a barely perceptible nod.

They had his back. For now she stayed quiet so as not to disrupt anything, but internally, she was tense. If there was any sign of trouble at all, then...!

Well. She'd never sucker punched someone's shadow before but there was a first time for everything.

[zodiac_brave]

Ramza nodded at Jack. He imagined that if the Shadow was not a mirror image of himself, he would be seeing a younger version of himself, with ash on his face and the glow of a burning fortress reflected in his eyes. But he had moved past that.

"This...how is this my Shadow? There must be some mistake."

The Shadow turned and looked at each Hero in turn. "And you...why have you come? Has this foolhardy lack-a-brain convinced you that you can change the fate of this damned world?"

Shadow-Ramza barked out a laugh. "Despite what you may believe, just because a thing can be endeavored, it does not mean it can be achieved. Sometimes, the villain wins. Sometimes, the maiden dies. Sometimes, the world burns, and you can do nothing to stop it."

Ramza took a step back. "This...no, this is not me." It was the Calamity, trying to hinder them. This was not what was in his heart.

[theendiswherewestartfrom]

Jack's hand moves to Ramza, instead, a light touch on his back to remind him not to retreat. He has to stay and face this. "Sometimes it does."

"Sometimes the one you wanted to protect above all else is the one that ends up giving their life. And once they're gone, it feels like the world got lost with them. Like we do more harm than good." These aren't platitudes, but the voice of experience talking. Jack never explained the story of his loss to Ramza, but he knows that it's there.

"But that doesn't mean you give up the fight. We don't fight because we're sure we can win, but we fight because trying is better than doing nothing."

"And because sometimes, the world gets saved."

[rialynn]

Rialynn's expression sobered. How depressing. She couldn't really blame Ramza for wanting to reject something so cynical, but she hadn't expected him to be so taken aback. Jack was already there beside him, so...so she needn't need to rush up to him or shout encouragement into his ear. She shifted her feet, restless. As much as she wanted to add to Jack's sentiments and argue, she didn't dare.

"Ramza, it's just a part of you. It's not all of you. I mean...every last one of us feels sad, or hopeless, or afraid sometimes. It's not like you feel that way all of the time. It's okay to be frustrated, or just...tired, you know?"

Especially after all of the things she knew he'd endured. It sounded like he was in dire need of getting out of the city and seeing all the good things that they'd done, but later. Definitely later.

[charming_jerk]

"...Pretty sure we all feel the same way here some days."

It was easy to feel hopeless in Crystallis, with everything the Heroes were put up against. Johnny would expect any Hero saying they hadn't felt despair over the situation was a liar.

[zodiac_brave]

Ramza turned to look at Jack when he felt a touch on his shoulder. The captain had known his share of loss too. That was clear by the way he spoke. It was well said.

"...it is not just that," he lamented. He turned back to his Calamity Self, fearing he knew what the other would say next.

"No, it is not. There is no 'happy ending', no 'just reward' for the kind or the brave or the faithful. The God our family prayed to is a lie. The House for which we sought glory is fallen and our Father's line ended. Our world is rotten and corrupt, and can you even pretend that this one is better?"

The Shadow paced back and forth, the injuries that had cowed him before seemingly forgotten now.

"This world is the graveyard of souls and the destroyer of goddesses. The very planet is a maggot grown fat on the corpses of other worlds. Why should we save it? Does it even deserve to be saved?"

Ramza could not meet the others' eyes. Every jagged shard of his shattered faith had been turned upon him, and he could shield himself from it no longer.

[rialynn]

Rialynn bit her lip, torn. Should she rush down there to support him? Argue against what his Shadow was saying? Tell him to just accept that? It was obvious he was hurting from what it was saying, and the truth was...she couldn't really say that part of him was wrong. The history of this planet was a troubled one indeed, and the way it survived was horrible. All of their own worlds, their friends and families, were put at great risk because of the Ancients' desperation for immortality.

"It's...they're just doubts, Ramza," she called out to him, on the verge of hopping over the railing at the vaguest hint that he might need her to shake things up. "Maybe the way things got set up are awful. I'm not sure what to do about it either. But the people of this world that believe in you...you've fought so hard to save them. Look at all of the people in the Santa Village who are still alive because you believed they deserved a chance to keep on living. That's a part of you too, remember?" Her hands squeezed the railing. "The only reason hope exists is because despair makes it necessary. And you've got so much of that hope, so of course..." She shook her head. "Of course you'd be sad, or worried, or frustrated! You don't have to repress that, you can just tell us. Any of us! It won't change how we feel about you."

[theendiswherewestartfrom]

Destroyer of-

Oh.

Jack had only learned of Zelda's...status after her death. But he had "met(?)" Hylia through Gwen's eyes. It was after her death that Ramza started retreating, wasn't it? Jack turns his head slowly to look at Rialynn, and he gives her the most regretful look that he can. This might hurt more than Ramza.

"Did you love her?" Jack holds up a hand. "Not my business. But if you did, you have to say it. There was a man I loved who died without knowing it. And I was willing to burn a world for his sake. He was the one who wouldn't let me do it."

"Would she let you? She died trying to protect this world. She left us herself," Jack pulls out his own crystal, holding Bearer of Wisdom as one of the Jobs, "so she could keep on protecting this world through us."

"See what she saw in this world that was worth protecting."

[zodiac_brave]

Both Ramzas turn to Jack in confusion.

"What?" Who said anything about love? Zelda had a love, a Hero of her own. Ramza had never wanted to be that. He had wanted to be the servant of a goddess who really saw the world, who cared for the innocent. But the world was as cruel and unrelenting to the gods as it was to their creations, it seemed.

"But she did not die protecting the world. She died pointlessly, because a crazed man turned an innocent's hand against her for no reason other than to break us."

The Shadow turned away from them. "It happens over and over again. Innocents die, and the world does not change. There is no higher purpose to it. Any author of a "greater plan" is long dead. If there is any justice, it would be in letting this world die for its crimes, and hope that the worlds we spare in doing so are less corrupt."

Ramza looked to Jack and Rialynn helplessly. "That...is not true, is it? We have to fight... for the people. They did not make the Ancients' choice." So, how was he supposed to integrate the Shadow without accepting despair?

[charming_jerk]

Some of this was resonating strongly with Johnny, a little too much. Not their situations or pasts, but just the feeling of despair and feeling like your actions meant nothing. The world was a terrible place - probably every world was. That any good action ultimately felt lost among the corruption. And Johnny knew for a fact that he himself was never entitled to a happy ending when everything was said and done. So why was he still fighting?

"That's exactly it. For the people. For your friends 'n everyone else who needs ya. That's the purpose. Ya have to fight for everyone who can't. Just for a chance to live yer life. Cuz that's all you get, and it's stupid throwin' it away. To give in and just let it all end when ya got the chance to change things. Sure, there's always gonna be shitty people out there, but if ya don't do somethin' to fight them, then you're no better."

Unsure of how to conclude what he's saying, Johnny shrugged lightly.

"And I know you, of all people, Ramza, ain't the kind of person to sink to that kinda level."

[unpleasanthemokinesis]

She'd been quiet this whole time, listening and learning more about someone she barely knew but she didn't need to in order to understand what he might be feeling. Mirai could understand him better now than she had when she first walked in here.

"No world is perfect. People can be cruel and horrible, they do terrible things to others. Maybe they won't change and maybe they will - it may take a long time before that change happens but there are good things too. Good people who come into our lives that make all of the bad things worth it. Even if those people leave, it's the world they lived in that we can fight for because they can no longer do it."

As for a 'higher power', well, Mirai's never had much faith in that.

"If you want to see a change, then let it start with you."

[zodiac_brave]

The Shadow focused intently on Johnny and Mirai as they spoke, eyes wide and full as he waited and watched for any cord of hope he could grasp from the depths of his despair.

"Perhaps...perhaps, I could do as you say, fight for the goodness within the pigswill of this world...but what after? If there is no reward or punishment for the actions of a life...how can you live with that injustice?"

Ramza bowed his head, but no longer in defeat. Even these Heroes that did not know him well had come to aid him, and they were stronger and wiser than he had given them credit for. "Faith, my Reflection. We learned of it in church. We must choose to believe, in spite of doubt and the absence of certainty, that there will be something more."

He lifted his head to look around at those gathered here with him. He did not need them to find him all the answers. Faith was a lifelong journey. But Ramza now at least had a start, a purpose that he and the most pessimistic part of himself could agree on.

[rialynn]

A tension Rialynn didn't realize she was harboring inside of her eased at his shadow's words. Part of her feared that Ramza had only told her what she wanted to hear in the hospital after Zelda's death. But if even his shadow referred to her as an 'innocent' then that meant he didn't harbor any grudges against her for what had happened. She relaxed her grip on the railing, releasing a shaky breath.

She nodded once in agreement with his words, a flicker of a smile daring to turn the corners of her mouth. "Right. Maybe we can't fix everything, or save every person. But that shouldn't stop us from trying, again and again, as many times as it takes. And I know you're not the type of person who gives up easily."

Rialynn looked at his Shadow self, quietly reading the emotions he displayed so openly on his face. "But you know...it's okay to take a step back now and again and catch your breath too. If you find yourself feeling this way...come talk to me about it. You don't have to hold it in, or consider it shameful. Your spirit just needs a chance to rest sometimes."