melodiesoflife | I'll Face Myself

Entry tags:

I'll Face Myself - Ales

Characters: Ales and OPEN
Where: Palitutu's Lab
When: November 10th
Summary: Ales wants to get this over with so he can go on to saving Crystallis and face his Shadow. It's not what he expected, and he's having difficulty facing it.
Warnings: Self-loathing and mentions of bullying, more will be added if necessary. Please keep this to one thread.

November 10th. The day where he can make a difference. No more waiting and hoping the other Heroes will fix things. No more depending on others. Ales learned his lesson the hard way: playing nice can only get him so far. He knew what he was like deep down. He knew what he was capable of. This Shadow of his would be no problem for him.

It was due to this confidence that Ales did not seek help from the other Heroes as he weaved his way down the hall through lab workers and trolleys of equipment. He protected his file, and no one would learn of his past without his permission. His plan was to face his Shadow alone, not letting anyone else see whatever dark secrets he held.

He crept through the crack in the door, Mimi following close behind. The Moogle had promised not to speak about Ales' plans, but an uneasy pit sat at the bottom of her stomach. From what she heard, this wasn't meant to be easy. Ales was smart and confident, but if his Shadow started hurting him...well, she'd cry at least. She had a silent, private promise to herself that if anything went wrong, she'd rush out and look for help. Out of concern for his safety, of course.

The preparations went through with minimal conversation. Mimi sat beside another silent Moogle wearing a labcoat and watched him as he inserted the Black Crystal into the indent.

"I'll have to shut it down if it puts your life in danger, kupo." A paw lingered over the power button.

"I appreciate the safeguard," Ales replied.

The machine whirred to life. Ales shut his eyes as the Moogle pressed several more buttons to summon a burst of energy that coalesced in front of the Teensie. He could feel losing a bit of himself, but not weakened, and his Ghostbuster Job was removed to leave him only with Scholar. Good. A decent Job he wouldn't complain about.

The return of silence prompted him to open his eyes. He was a bit disappointed by the Shadow's appearance: just himself with beady purple eyes. One would think that his inner self would wear all black and look, well, cooler. Proud. Cut off from his emotions.

This was just sad. Literally sad. The Shadow's eyes were downcast as he slouched like some whiny child.

The two stood there for a minute. Ales watched the Shadow for any sign of aggression. It just stood there. Not saying anything. Not doing anything.

"Is this some kind of mistake?!" Ales directed his confusion at the Moogles.

"Of course it isn't, you thickheaded idiot. I'm you." The Shadow had straightened its back, but its features were still soft and melancholy.

"Really. Really"?

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"A mistake?" Tsubomi said, entering the room and cocking an eyebrow. "What do you mean he's a mistake? I mean... what were you expecting, exactly?"

Mary kept mostly out of sight but wasn't going out of her way to hide herself at this point. She covered her mouth with her hand, stroking her chin and cheeks. It seemed that Ales wasn't finding what he expected here, but in a rather different sense that what everyone else was.

Could it be the thing that Ales was struggling against that he lacked something he felt worth hiding?

Once again, Lydia was running late. Seriously--she was considering starting to put a bell on her friends, or have Betel-Po track them, or something! What was with them all going off and summoning their shadows alone?

And Ales especially! He was one of her closer friends, and she KNEW some of the problems he struggled with in the past. No way was she letting him face this alone, even if all she could do was be a bystander.

Her new Dragoon job, and Scholar meant she skidded in through the doorway. Hopefully not as late as she had been with Ira. Aside from the twin Ales', Lydia's main attention was taken by Mimi. Moving over to the moogle, and offering her a hug and comfort. A hint of sheepish smile at Ales too and then a deep breath. "I'm not letting you deal with this alone either. You're always going to be a magician to me Ales, as they have it in the tarot. An arbiter of change and master of his own destiny and forces." Confident, and with a bright smile.

"He's not--I'm not--" His shoulders bunched up. He had been clear in mistrusting most Heroes and was unafraid to let them know what kind of sacrifices he could make to achieve his goals, but explaining that he wanted to confront his inner ruthlessness and amorality was a whole other thing. He wanted a proud, laughing Ales. Not a sad mockery.

Mimi sighed once more, the facepalm and hug giving her the energy to speak up. "I-I'm going to look for more friends, kupo. I-it doesn't look like Ales is going to accept it...I'm s-so scared!" What if he died? What if the Calamity Ales tried to take over the world? Or just cry all the time? The Moogle pushed herself out of her seat, giving Lydia a look as if to ask permission to leave and seek help.

Ales was busy dealing with embarrassment to care. Lydia was here, giving advice. Good advice, a reminder that he can do something, that he was capable, but that still meant another person was in this room.

The Shadow folded his hands. "They believe in me. Isn't it nice, to have someone believe in you? To have someone trust you?"

"Grh--!" Ales jerked his arms in circles in an attempt to argue. "Sure! Fine! But I'm not crying about it! You think I'd rather lie down and be a sadsack instead of going out and, you know, forging my destiny and all that?"

He gestured at Lydia.

The Shadow turned its head just enough to see where he was pointing.

"...They're all such wonderful people. Wouldn't it be nice to treat them like friends for a change?"

Ales tightened his fists and took a step back.

Mimi received a quick glimpse of a look from the guard that had been stationed in the back of the room, behind where everything had gone on even before they had set this summoning up to run. At suggestion of a certain house mate, at least one of the days out of Sephiroth's shifts in Aqures running security had been adjusted to incorporate standing guard in on some of these proceedings; there was always the chance that it could turn violent.

Not that he's had the (mis)fortune of being on duty for such an occasion, yet.

Ales' Calamity-self seemed to be the polar opposite of anything that could be expected. Not violent, aggressive and neither did it seem capable of being that way. It seemed almost sad, actually. Was sadness what Ales was repressing most? Yet as the scene played out in front of him Sephiroth took more of a step forward from his post, observing intently.

Before long he found that he related, but yet true to form didn't keep eye contact with anyone in the room for all that long before looking to the floor. Not so much out of avoiding attention, but out of the respect that he'd gained for Ales' despite how more than a handful of Heroes likely thought less of him recently. Sephiroth took a careful breath before voicing the opinion that rose to the surface of his thoughts.

"It's not a bad thing to be ambitious...leaving a mark behind yourself is arguably all that anyone wants out of life."

Akane stiffened. She recognized that voice! She maybe kinda sorta...tried to stab him. On accident. That was just one more reason not to burst into the room and interrupt! Surely Ales was going to be fine, right?

...Right...?

After seeing Mimi dash out the door, Akane was no longer quite so sure. He'd be angry if he found out she was eavesdropping, she was sure of it. Maybe she'd just take a peek around the corner. Leaning carefully around the edge of the door, she spotted him taking a step back.

Then her shoe slipped on the slick lab floors and before she knew it, she was facedown on the ground in a comical sprawl. Quickly she wrestled herself up, clapping a hand to her throbbing forehead. Dang it! She considered scrambling back out of sight, but with the sudden bang of her clumsiness, that really wasn't an option anymore.

"Oh, um...I just..." Was looking for the bathroom? No one would believe that considering how long she'd been working here. Giving up, Akane sighed. "It's not so shameful to want friends. I think everybody does, deep down. To have someone that supports you, even if you messed up, or if there are things you hate...I mean...knowing there's still one person that cares about you can make it easier to keep going. So...it's natural."

"Yes, yes exactly!" Ales snapped his fingers and pointed at Sephiroth. "Especially when it's to change something for the better! I'm not doing it for myself!"

"Don't lie to yourself! We want everyone to know that we were right all along, and they were in the wrong to think we'd amount to nothing! If it meant overthrowing Polokus, if it meant working with awful people, if it meant locking Betillia up - our only friend - we'd do it!" The Shadow's eyes began to water. "It wasn't even worth it."

"Stop that nonsense!" Ales spat his Calamity self. "I'm not doing it for the attention? Do you think I would have done it if people were more logical? If they realized that their 'beloved' leader constantly put them in danger? That I was going to fix everything?" He didn't know why he was saying all thing. Perhaps it was to provide a quick explanation for those gathered in the room. If they were to think less of him, he had to give them his good reasons.

"But you failed. Just like everything else you do."

"Don't..." His eyes widened in shock, unable to find a lie in that.

Lydia let Mimi move away, knowing that Ales needed her more. She liked them both, and knew the moogle was just as concerned as she was. Giving Ales, and his shadow, her full attention as she listened.

Waiting until it was all done, before she moved closer. Close enough to place a hand on Ales' shoulder; not hugging him yet, but a smile offered anyways. Even after hearing what he'd done. she could still see the good in him.

"But you get back up, and you keep trying. That's not failure, that's learning." A nod, looking to his shadow as well. "So long as you learn, it's not failure. It just means you try something else."

As the confrontation went on, where Sephiroth had felt justified in his one piece of support given to Ales, as Calamity!Ales continued on it didn't take long for the silver-haired warriors thoughts to turn inward even if he tried to prevent them. This room, this encounter, was all about Ales and overcoming this part of himself; Sephiroth looked briefly towards the door as if to consider leaving, it left such a bitter taste in the bottom of his throat.

Change for the better. Whatever the means to get there. Inevitable failure.

It all was starting to sound entirely too familiar and the fact that Ales were still trying, almost as if he were desperate to preserve some dignity about himself, to explain away that which his Shadow brought out into the open just reflected back on-

But then Lydia took a more direct approach and Sephiroth was jolted back to the job he had here and now. Although, out of that self-same duty, he stepped forward a bit more, Sephiroth had no choice but to wait for the Shadow to do something, even though it didn't seem the type, as only after that point it was his job to intervene. All he could do was soak up Lydia's words much as Ales probably would, blinking silently as at the same time he felt pride towards her rise steadily at the logical encouragement given.

"It's only a failure, if you concede it as such."

Pot calling the kettle black, anyone?

Tsubomi looked quite horrified at this. Ales would go that far just to prove a point? And Lydia and Sephiroth were willing to back him up on this?

"Trying to prove yourself by turning against even the person who you considered your friend is not worth it at all!" Tsubomi cried out. "Your friends can be a strength - I know so! I may look it, but I'm not strong at all! Back home, I was considered the weakest of who I was! I wouldn't be surprised if this world called me the Weakest Onion Knight in History as well!"

"Ales, you have to understand - there are so many better ways to handle things and that's not it."

"I didn't try to hurt her, it's not like I'd let my men kill her! What would be the point!" He spun out of Lydia's hold and turned to Tsubomi, desperation in his eyes.

"She's right. What we did is unforgivable. We weren't worth Betilla's kindness in the first place. We admired her so much, that she reached out to us even when we were alone, and now what? There's nothing to go home to. We'll be outcasts. We'll be hated. There never has been a place for us in the Glade, and it's our fault that there never will be."

"Stop it, stop it, stop it." Ales pulled the brim of his hat down, covering the top portion of his head including his eyes, and his shaking hands tried anything to pull the entire hat over his body. He slouched over, anything to ignore the part of him telling him to regret.

But his Calamity self continued onward, stepping closer with glistening eyes. "Why aren't you listening? You know this is why you're working so hard here. You have no other world to go to. You've always failed. You failed when you followed the rules. You failed when you tried to break them. You failed at being a good person--"

"I don't want to be a good person! What even is a good person? Rulers and leaders decide what a good person is! Ignorant masses decide who is a good person! I'm not good at being a traditional Teensie, is that what you're trying to say?" He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home.

"Yeah, it would be nice if were were just like everyone else, right? If we weren't different. If we never complained. Then we'd never do anything horrible."

"I...I wanted to fix things..." Ales insisted.

"You wanted to be adored. Remembered and powerful, just like Mr. Dark." The Shadow picked at its fingernails. "Doesn't that alone say everything about just what kind of person we are?"

Sephiroth might have said something quite uncharacteristically scathing towards Tsubomi with regards to what friendship really is, or not, in his personal experience of the same. Given that being victim of the same, that ambition that Genesis had, had arguably changed so much about the path his own life would later follow. It seemed petty to think of it that way but then that could apply for anything with context stripped away.

As it was, it wasn't his place to say and he didn't really know that other Hero as well as would have justified a judgment and so simply kept his mouth shut. Fixing a hard glare between Ales and his Shadow again as it went back on the attack over what Ales wanted out of his life.

As much as Ales seemed still to insist on the contrary to what his Shadow were saying, Sephiroth understood well the conflict that were being played out before him. He'd already made the only comment he could about it, the only comment he'd be comfortable in declaring in front of others. Ultimately, as he understood these encounters, it would be up to Ales to conquer that closed-off version of himself.

Lydia listened, and wouldn't deny that it hurt. She was upset with Ales, and knew he had done things that were morally questionable at best. Even without the benefit of their shared not!future-visions.

But he was still her friend.

Carefully, Lydia moved closer. She'll wrap her arms around Ales in a hug, if he'll let her. If he won't just yet, she'll stay close by all the same. Making sure to meet his shadow's eyes, but also addressing him. "It's okay, Ales. To want to be remembered, to be known. Everyone wants to be cared about really." A pause, and a deep breath, even as she still smiled. "I think you're amazing, traditional teensie or not. I'm sorry they didn't recognize your talents and they hurt you."

A tighter hug, if he allowed her. "But you need to recognize it's okay. It's okay to want to have friends. It's okay to regret not recognizing, and hurting the one person who reached out before. Because it's hurting you." She could work on the whole 'not hurting others' later. "And that hurts those of us who care about you too, to see you hurting, when we could help."

Tsubomi is, if anything, feeling off about all of this. Sephiroth hasn't spoken up, but it's quite clear he isn't happy with her. And she still doesn't feel right with Lydia effectively coddling him. But, she needs to say her part on this.

"Power and fame is fleeting, Ales. You can sit here and try to be powerful and respected, but it shouldn't come at the price of using your friends and pushing them away." She said. "You want to have what you want, you need to work on it and not be afraid to lean on others..."

It seemed no one had noticed Akane's clumsiness. That was a first! She decided it was definitely best to keep her mouth shut for now, as the others seemed to know Ales much better than she did. Besides, whatever she had to say wasn't going to help him excuse what he did; what mattered was that he accepted it for what it was.

But how strange... He always looked so cute and harmless. She never would have guessed that he was capable of that kind of machinations. Kidnapping? Grabs for power?

Akane glanced at the door and bit her lip. She could probably slip out easily and go back to hiding. But that wouldn't help anything. If it were her being confronted with this, what would she want someone else to say? Would she want forgiveness? A lecture? Faith? She thought about it long and hard. Then finally, she came to a decision.

"Ales, enough!" She leaned over the railing, gripping the metal rung tightly in both of her hands. "If you regret what you did, accept that. And do better! I've seen what you're capable of making, and how you're smart, and strong. In a fight, you're amazing! Who says you can't go back and fix things? And if you don't want to go back, stay here! Or join one of us in our world! You have a whole bunch of opportunities in front of you, you just aren't seeing them because you're too hung up on the past. It's just like any kind of engineering, isn't it?" She straightened a little. "You can't make your robot into a super battle machine if you ignore the parts that are broken. This shadow is showing you those broken parts. It's up to you to see those parts, and decide if you're going to fix them or not. But if you do fix them, you'll be stronger than ever, and ready to face what comes next!"

She took a breath, and released the rung to clasp her hands in front of her. "Our worlds are counting on us. We need you."

Ales' arms jerked away from his hat when he felt Lydia's arms around him. She was the only other Hero of Light that had hugged him during his entire stay in Crystallis, even if the first time was in the Sage's vision. She cared about him, thinking only the best of him, giving him encouragement with a smile. And despite everything that his Shadow was revealing, she was still here for him.

It was only because he never hurt her, he told himself.

Sephiroth's silence and Tsubomi's pleas - while not helpful - stopped him from speaking up. He wanted someone to take control of the situation while he drew into himself and forgot everything that happened. It was alright not to have friends, he wanted to say. Why would he listen to Tsubomi if he had considered that argument before? One needed power to have their voice heard.

He had forgotten about Akane. An eye poked out from beneath the brim, watching the young woman. He wasn't sure what to make of her: naive and optimistic, yet surprisingly intelligent at times like these. Her initial words lead him to believe that she was going to reprimand him for his actions as well. Proof that he will be hated if his past was revealed.

But she was telling him not to give up. His instinct was to retort that he wasn't giving up, but his voice continued to fail him. He was brilliant. He could do something. Sephiroth, Lydia, and Akane were proof that his past didn't prevent them from believing in him. Ellie believed in him.

The Shadow followed his gaze to Akane, then to Ales. "Let's listen to her. Let's be close to people again! What's wrong with having friends.?"

Ales narrowed his eyes.

"Is it Ellie? Yeah, we miss her a lot, but it was worth having someone to listen to us."

"Worth it? I could barely do anything but mope when she turned into a crystal, and that's supposed to help me?" He slid his arms out of Lydia's grasp, but instead of addressing his Shadow, he rotated his gaze at the Heroes in the room. "I can't lie, I enjoy the company of some of the people here, but how am I supposed to trust you? Why get close to anyone if it'll hurt me when sacrifices will be made?"

"We know. That's why we made that promise...not to hurt Lydia if the time ever came to betray her. No matter what would happen, Lydia has to be safe. We couldn't kill Betilla ourselves for the same reason. We wanted to be friends with them."

"I--" Ales held a hand out and paused. "No, you're right."

His hand fell back to his side.

"I do like the idea of companionship."

In the meantime, the solider at the back of the room seems to have turned back into a spectator rather than an involved party. It seems that between Lydia and Akane, they've this in hand a lot more efficiently than he could ever provide such support to an individual that he hardly knew. Sephiroth's own solitary nature that he made for himself prevented him from building such bridges, and the recent exception to that standard had...

He's going to have to reconsider stepping in on any of these, going forward, if it's just going to have him reflect it back into himself every time.

Still, Ales' conceding to his Shadow's idea of actually wanting companionship more than he lets himself admit makes Sephiroth smile inside. It strikes a chord; if Ales could really be like that underneath his Persona then...perhaps it might be somewhat similar in his own case? He's still not about to take this on for himself but just as an example of what -might- be repressed is educational at least.

"It's not about trusting others not to eventually hurt you..." He muttered, perhaps not even loud enough for it to really be heard. "...it's about trusting that they will be there, at all."

Lydia was glad Tsubomi was being more harsh--but she had a purpose, as she hugged Ales still. They could talk about his behavior later--including this promise about betraying and not-hurting her. But based on her research, it was more important right away that they help him accept his shadow.

Rejection probably wouldn't go well for anyone, especially Ales--so acceptance was her goal. The rest could wait. She let Ales pull away a bit after her initial hug, giving him some space.

But as he spoke, she leaned in again and hugged him tightly. "Companionship, friends, they make the times we hurt, the times we suffer, easier to bear." Encouraging him, and making a mental note to herself.

Follow up with Akane, and Sephiroth, later. For now Ales was her focus. Clearly he'd never had real friends before, and knowing some of his backstory Lydia wasn't surprised. But he was her friend--and she'd help him be better than he had been.

When Lydia hugged him again, Ales did not flinch or freeze up. She was still here. Everyone was still here, and it made the whole ordeal less terrifying. Even his Shadow appeared less distraught, though his expression was sad. It waited for Ales to say something.

He looked around the room once more.

At Sephiroth, who appeared to be saying something in agreement, but inaudible from where Ales was standing. He wasn't disgusted by this display of weakness, but unless it was just his imagination, he seemed to be understanding. A man he respected that respected the Teensie.

At Akane, who was impressed by his skill before and after meeting his Shadow. Who reminded him that he was strong in his own way. That there were people here that thought highly of him. Of those whose kindness towards him were completely, confidently devoid of pity. Even Betilla was not guilty of such a thing.

At Tsubomi, fearful and whom Ales expected to attack him at at moment, yet still trying to understand. He didn't know what she'd do after today, whether she'd warn everyone to oppose him, lecture him, or something else. But she was still important now.

"...Don't tell anyone about this," he said to no one in particular. Everything would come out in due time. It was part of the reason why he locked his file.

He couldn't turn around to look at Lydia, but he did have one more question for her.

"But this doesn't meant I'll run around befriending everyone. I have to trust them first. Besides, what good would that have done when I was small?"

"It might have worked. Apparently it's worked for other people. We wish we could feel that way about anyone else?"

Ales was about to retort, but he decided not to argue on that point. He was tired of thinking about this.

"Anyway...what am I supposed to do about this?"

Edited 2016-12-24 19:44 (UTC)

He seemed to be pulling through. Akane smiled, deeply relieved, and rocked up onto the balls of her feet as she beamed her approval and encouragement.

"Well...I think it goes away as soon as you acknowledge that this is a part of you, and accept it as such. I haven't faced my own yet, so..." She shrugged. He was close to doing that anyway, so she was sure the conclusion wasn't too far off.

"If you like, maybe we can take our lunch breaks together," she suggested. "I'm not really so great at making friends myself, so we can both be as awkward as we like!" ...Was that supposed to be a good thing?

Lydia just hugged him still, smiling to herself. Proud of him. "You stop hiding it. No one is saying you have to go make friends with everyone. Trust is important."

Letting him pull out of the hug if he wanted, she remained close and glanced back at Akane too. "She's right though, you accept this is part of yourself. That's all."

Grinning, she motioned back to include the other girl too. "She was part of the research team, and we can all go to lunch if you'd like. Or just you and me. Because you're my friend Ales, and we can make other friends too."

Yes Akane, she's willing to be friends with you too.

"That's sounds too easy to be true." Just go out to lunch and feel connected to people. Accepts that he was a mess and accept the people that wanted to be friends. He had difficulty trusting Betilla, and that was before he attempted to overthrow Polokus.

What was going on?

"We're afraid. But we can't undo everything that happened in this room. Just like being bullied, just like being ignored, just like everything else, it's in the past and something we have to accept."

Ales looked at his Shadow one last time. He actually agreed with him. If he had ignored everything about his childhood, he would be a different Teensie. He wouldn't have put all his energy into the sciences. If he could reach out to people and make up for his past...he could become even better.

"...Alright. Lydia, let me go." He slid out of her grasp and walked up to his Shadow until they were standing face-to-face. With a deep breath, he held out a hand.

"We're in this together."

With a smile, the Shadow grasped Ales' hand for a handshake. Light filled the room, and when it reached below a blinding brightness, there was only one Teensie standing there.

Afraid. Was he afraid in a similar way, really?

Sephiroth didn't much like that notion at all but managed to keep his thoughts to himself and steered his outlook back out towards Ales as he finally faced his Shadow, expressing his support in a muted nod as the light dimmed back to reveal only Ales remaining stood in the room.

Was it really so simple as all of that had sounded? To just accept ones flaws and that would be it? Still, he'd spent an enormous amount of that time just watching and muttering that now he should at least-

"Good job, Ales." Sephiroth raised his voice as he stepped forward, a light smile forming at each of the corners of his mouth.

"Yes!" Akane cheered. She came within a fraction of an inch of applauding, but that was probably a little inappropriate. Just a tiny bit. Even so, she was proud of him. With all that he'd endured, and all of the things he'd done, it must have been insanely difficult to accept the reality of what he'd done and the resulting consequences.

It was something she'd need to do, too. She had little doubt that she'd be drawing inspiration from this moment.

"How do you feel? Do you need any rest? I mean, it is pretty late." After going through that ordeal, she was sure he was physically and emotionally exhausted.

He did do a good job. He conquered in Shadow in on go. The lowered head and tired expression did not match the celebratory event it should have been. Everyone knew that he did awful things at home, the one thing he strove to keep away since his arrival on Crystallis. Two years later, it was all for nothing.

He wondered if Palitutu ever felt this way.

"Can I leave now?"

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I'll Face Myself - Ales

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