melodiesoflife | open | can't get my mind out of those memories

Entry tags:

open | can't get my mind out of those memories

Characters: Naminé and YOU!
Where: Palitutu's lab, and heading to B-06 afterwards, both OTA
When: November 17th
Summary: It's Naminé's turn to face her Calamity Self.
Warnings: Standard Kingdom Hearts angst, with lowkey mentions of manipulation and violence.
Notes: One thread for the Calamity Self encounter, please! Naminé will accept her Calamity self pretty easily, so no fighting will occur. Multiple threads for the heading home prompts are a-okay!

THE WORDS THAT HURT MY SOUL

[After Ira's confrontation with his Calamity Self, Sora had taken her aside and told her, with all the seriousness she's ever seen on his face, that she shouldn't go alone, whenever she decides to confront hers. It wasn't that hard to promise him that, even before he promised to do the same for her in exchange. She's not the one he should be worried about, after all. How could her two years possibly compare to how much he and Ira had been through? The little mentions and snatches of conversation from them are starting to build a puzzle board, the pieces of which she's realizing will tell a grim story she might not be prepared for.

Well...she supposes that's not what she should be focusing on right now. Naminé is back in Palitutu's lab, but instead of being the supporter, she is now the supported, a handful of familiar faces waiting in a half circle around them. She gives them a small smile of acknowledgement and thanks before turning to Elmina. She sets her crystal, a tiny shooting star surrounded in the swirl of its own tail, into Elmina's paws.]

Let's meet her.

[Worry is etched all over Elmina's Moogle face. She'd seen how upset Naminé had been, the first day she'd gotten here, and she doesn't know how well this encounter is going to go, if it'll go well at all. But with a soft prompt from her Hero, she gives Naminé a quick hug, the crystal squished between them, before handing the crystal over to the technicians.

The Naminé that swirls into existence beside the original immediately flees and hides under the nearest desk. Naminé moves to sit on the floor, back to back with her Shadow despite the desk being in the way. Then closes her eyes.]

Go ahead. Let it all out.

[Calamity Naminé lets out a slow breath.]

Why bother? It's not like anyone cares about me. About us. Two years. Just two years to exist, and what were we doing?

Doing everything Marluxia said.

Running away from Larxene. Getting belittled and ignored by everyone else. Sitting and drawing until our hands cramped and our crayons were nubs. Until Sora came along. And even then it was only because of our powers that he paid attention. What kind of life is that? Why were we born if only to exist like that? Why did we have to bear that burden while Kairi slept it all off and got to go home safe and sound?

[Tears start rolling down her cheeks.]

We never wanted any of that. It would've been better to not exist at all, instead of existing as her Nobody.

[Naminé turns her head and gives Sora a quiet, mournful look before looking away.]

It got better.

The next year was better? [Calamity Naminé buries her face into her knees.] You're unbelievable.

REMOVING DOUBTS FROM MY MIND

A) [After that incredibly draining ordeal, Naminé can't seem to get herself moving from her spot on the floor. She only shifts to curl her arms around Elmina when her Moogle comes to tuck her crystal back into her pocket.]

Naminé...let's go home, kupo...

B) [Back at B-06, Naminé can be found sitting outside in plain sight from the street, leaning against a tree and staring up into the sky. She's fine. She really is. It's just been a pretty long day, so...company would be nice.]

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[He's glad that she kept her promise - that she told him when she'd be facing her Calamity self. It meant he didn't have to rush to get there, could be supporting her from the very beginning. Everyone, all of his friends from home, they didn't have the ability to lead their own lives there. Vanitas was part of Ventus again - Ira had been killed off - and Naminé was united with Kairi. All they had right now was this life, on this world. And it wasn't fair. Sora had told Roxas that he deserved to live his own life once or twice... the three of them should have too.

So it comes as no surprise when Naminé's Calamity self touches upon this subject. All of what's said - he's thought it too.

When Naminé turns to look at him, that's his cue.]

That's not true. That's not true at all. You have so many people who care about you - Riku, Kairi, Roxas, Ira and me. It wouldn't have mattered what your powers were, I still would have noticed you if we'd crossed paths any other way. I don't care what your powers are, it doesn't matter how you were created. The only thing that does matter is that you exist - you exist and that was enough for me and everyone else.

[He moves then, to sit next to Naminé by the desk - his shoulder brushing up against hers.]

What you did during that time it wasn't your fault, I've never blamed you for any of it. Actually, I'm grateful it was you. We might not have ever met if you hadn't. I know that all of it was hard on you, that it was hard for you and I'm sorry for that - for my part in all of it. I wish I could remember it and still hold on to everything else, maybe one day I will. I'm sorry I can't, I'm sorry you spent all your time carrying that burden alone. I'm sorry that you don't get to go on living your own life.

But I'm not sorry we met, and I'm not sorry for my part in your creation. [Because he did play a part.] I know Kairi isn't sorry for that either. It isn't fair what happened to you or Ira or Roxas and even Xion, you all should be able to live your own lives. You all deserve it. And I'm going to do everything I can to make it possible.

[He moves to crouch down a couple of feet away from Naminé, facing her as Sora speaks. He remains quiet the entire time, those he does glance at the brunette when it's mentioned that it's "not [her] fault."

When he speaks, it with an air of exasperation.] Seriously? The things she did was not her fault?

[He looks back to the blond, his expression looking somewhere between annoyed and frustrated.] You chose to do those things, right? So that people would pay attention to you. Isn't this whole thing about accepting the truths? And didn't you tell me that some of those things don't have to stay true? Instead of sitting and crying about all this, shouldn't you be figuring out what you want to do with your life?

[He gives a huff-like sigh.] Jeez, where's the stubborn idiot who was all talk of friendship and people sticking together? Crying won't solve anything.

[She was curious as to the nature of these "shadows" that the others had started to summon the week prior. So during her break, she lingered by the door as a young girl went to summon her own. While she was relieved that, unlike a few children she'd seen enter the lab lately, she at least had a friend with her... Something seemed different about this one.

It didn't take long for her to realize just what that was. Her heart bled for the girl, and while one part of her screamed to remain silent and observe, she as a human being could not do it.]

...I, may not know where this boy you are speaking of is, but I can somewhat relate.

[Walking into the room fully, she knelt down as well once she drew near.]

The fact that others are here for you during this is evident enough that some do care. Even if some of their words are rather... scalding.

[She glances hard at Vanitas after saying so, but then smiles warmly (if a little sad and far too knowing for someone who only looks a decade older than the others in the room) at the poor girl and her double.]

Do you regret, following through with those choices?

[Vincent was due to stop by the lab to collect Lucrecia for dinner, to ensure she ate and took a break of course. Familiar task even after all these years. The labs were busier than normal, and it wasn't hard to find her--even if it wasn't where he'd expected to find her.

Coming to the room on the tail end of "..some do care." and leaning in the doorway. Dark in the long coat and his hair and posture, against the white of the lab, as Vincent measured up everyone in the room at a glance. Including the 'twins'? Could that be the 'shadows' that people were summoning?]

Some use harshness as a way to hide their care, anger being an easier emotion to deal with than others.

[Quietly, hands behind his back and into the pause, before adding once more to the tail of Lucrecia's comment.]

One of the hardest tasks in the world is seeking forgiveness. Regret is understandable, but can be worked through.

[As for forgiveness? Vincent himself had never tried, until most recently.]

[Sora is a comforting presence, but she still takes a long, conflicted moment to turn towards him and curl up against his side.]

This is that boy, [she says softly, in answer to Lucrecia, though she's looking at Vanitas as she speaks.] And I regretted all the things I chose to do, because they hurt him. But you're right. I did choose, in the end. I chose to set everything right. That, I don't regret, because I did that for me as much as I did it for him.

[Calamity Naminé is rubbing her face raw, trying to wipe away her tears.]

But once that was done, we were useless. DiZ knew it-- why else would he order Riku to dispose of us? There was nothing for us to do but to watch over Sora and wait for Kairi. Wait for the end. We had no choice, no agency.

We saved her. We saved Kairi.

We did it because we were pulled to her! Nobody to Somebody! Just like Roxas was to Sora! [Naminé falls silent, and Calamity Naminé continues, her voice cracking.] Nothing would've stopped us from returning to her. How was that our choice? There was no other option. And in the end, even after becoming whole, we're still a Nobody. Just a tiny voice that Kairi hears when she's half-asleep. We can't do anything without anyone else. We always have to be helped and guided forward.

But the life we have here...

If we take it, we would flourish. We're already starting to. But if there's ever a day we go back...that will all be lost. Only a memory.

[It isn't easy to just stand by and listen to somebody get verbally lambasted...even if it's by their own subconscious. If Natalia refutes what the Shadow is saying, that will just make it harder for Naminé to accept. If she agrees, she's essentially putting Naminé down. And she's such a very nice young lady, it's painful to hear such awful things about her.]

[After this is over, they absolutely must have a talk, she decides. It'll be good for Naminé to rest a little anyway, if the experience proves to be as exhausting for her as it was for Natalia.]

Hang in there, Naminé.

[She stays where she is as she balls her hands into fists, steeling her jaw in determination.]

While I can't necessarily say I agree with what your Shadow is saying, there's a reason it's being said. Once you realize your flaws and accept them as part of you, then you can work on changing the parts you don't like.

[She lays a hand over her heart.]

We may not have known each other for very long, but I'll pledge my support willingly. You can make this life a great one!

[She glances at Sora when the girl gestures to him, a little relieved. Good; someone she knows. There have been far too many who tried to make this plunge without the help of those close to them.

Lucrecia looked rather confused at the terms "somebody" and "nobody", no doubt curious by the implications. What in the world did they mean?]

I can't say I fully understand what this "Nobody" business is. However, all life comes to an end at some point. Yet what truly matters isn't that it does end, but what we choose to do with the time we are given.

[With that, she looks to Vincent. He likely recognizes what that look in her eyes mean, too. She isn't leaving this poor girl just yet, even with all these people to help her. Things are just a little too close for comfort.]

...I may not be the best person to say it, of course. We only just met, after all. But take risks, live what life you have in the time that remains; you're still so young.

[The fact that someone this young harbors so much guilt... it breaks her heart.]

[Vincent recognizes that look from Lucrecia. He's not surprised at all, although the guilt this seemingly young girl bears is not something he expected. Tugs at some familiar things inside him, against his will.

But he's never been heartless, even if at times he was certain his own was colder and less caring than people suspected.]

Memories make us and are always with us. Even if we do not remember, those we interact with do. Those we fight with, work with--love, hate, kill, save, talk to, and live with--the memory isn't only yours alone.

[Even if there were times he wishes he could forget things--it had never happened, for him.]

[He doesn't recognize the woman who comes into the lab and speaks up but the man who follows her in... now that is a face Sora does know. Sora stares Vincent for a long moment but Naminé will be able to feel him tensing at her side. But that's not what's important right now. She is, so he turns his attention back to the words being said.]

A Nobody is what's left behind when a heart is "removed" with a special weapon. [The words are quietly spoken to those in the room that don't understand what the conversation is about.

Sora then looks over at Naminé.] I don't believe it, I don't believe what everyone says about Nobodies. You and Roxas and even Xion... you all have just as much right to exist as me and Kairi do. You deserve it just as much as I do. Ansem, Xemnas, Xehanort - they're a bunch of liars! They lied to everyone about Nobodies, you can be your own people. You can have your own hearts, you can grow your own.

[He points to where her heart lays beneath her ribs.] These emotions you're experiencing, they aren't new - those are your emotions. Ones you had before you came here and they don't come from Kairi.

If you could still see my memories, you'd see what I know... what I learned back home while taking my Exam. You, Roxas and everyone, I'm gonna make things right for all of us because you aren't just a part of us. Maybe you were once but you aren't anymore. I believe you should be your own person and I'm gonna do everything I possibly can to make that happen. So right now you should live the way you want to, do the things you want and be the person you want because it's gonna be okay in the end, I promise.

[Sora gives her a knowing smile.] After all, I've got a lot of people waiting for me to help them, right?

Everyone is more than a memory, maybe they aren't even that sometimes. Memories are finicky - they fade and get discarded. People are much more than that. They're a feeling, one that can never be erased or removed completely. That's what you are too, a feeling. A good, strong one that everyone here is going to know now that you've come into their lives.

Edited 2016-12-01 04:36 (UTC)

[Maybe he would have spared that woman a frown after she'd pointed out how he'd spoken... Maybe he would have said something in response. Maybe. The truth is, though, Calamity Naminé's words actually have his entire body freezing in place for a moment. He's accepted all those things that had been buried deep inside, but there's just something about everything she's saying.

Everyone else chimes in after its done speaking, but Vanitas remains silent for quite some time. The part about being useless once everything was done -- it still repeats in his mind as he turns away from everyone, keeping his face concealed. He's staring at the floor for a long while, expression unreadable, even if it could be seen.

--if there's ever a day we go back...that will all be lost.

Only a memory, huh? Some part of him wants to comment that she should at least be grateful for that much. To have lived a life where she's loved by at least some people.

Heh... yeah. Right.

It's by the time Sora's finished talking, he finally does speak. His back is still to everyone, so the initial words might not be audible to absolutely everyone.] ...That's life.

[Turning, his expression is still unreadable, his voice still serious.] It hurts. That's just how it is. We either deal with it or [the tiniest falter of his voice is here] run away from the pain because it's too much.

[His mouth closes for a moment, jawline tensing as his teeth clench together.] Eventually, we die and that's all there is to it. The lucky ones become memories.

[It's after this, he's holding a blink and sighing.] ...

[If it looks like he's struggling, it's everyone's imagination.] ... Tch, the point is -- stop being an idiot, already. Everyone becomes a memory sooner or later! You think this Kairi person is somehow better than you because she's not a Nobody? Guess what -- she's going to die, one day. Meaning she's going to become "only" a memory, too. You make it sound like becoming one is a bad thing, when it means your life actually had a purpose!

[So... so there.]

[Naminé curls up into a tighter ball next to Sora. She thought she knew everything her Calamity self would throw at her, and for the most part she guessed right. Instead, at this point, it's everyone else's words that affect her more. Voices both familiar and new, chiming in to reassure her (or berate her, as is Vanitas' case). All of it is such an incredibly novel experience. It's one thing to watch from a distance and know that her feelings were nebulously tied to others. It's entirely another to have them right next to her, looking at her, smiling at her, offering their thoughts for her to consider. People are here for her. People are standing with her, pushing back against the negative thoughts she's had about herself ever since she started existing.

People care about her, and that's ultimately what triggers her crying. Tiny little drops that slide fast and comfortingly warm down her chilled face.

They're right. They're all right. This life, however she fell into it, is hers. She shouldn't let it slip away just because of a fear of being forgotten, or a fear of not having it anymore if she ever goes back. She's not simply a witness to someone else's memories anymore. Whatever she does, however she interacts with the people whose lives she touches-- it will be real, it will have happened, and it will be a precious memory...because maybe, just maybe, the other person thinks it's just as important to them too.

And after the end, whenever her end is, if someone remembers her fondly and smiles, that would be enough for her. Naminé's had purpose thrust onto her. Chosen one of her own free will, too. But being able to bring a smile to someone's face...that would be the one she'd like to live up to.]

Thank you, everyone. Thank you so much.

[She gives Sora's hand a small squeeze and then scoots around him, moving to face her Calamity self under the desk. The two of them stare at each other for a long moment, blue eyes equally rimmed red. But Naminé finally smiles.]

It's going to be scary. And I might have trouble along the way. But I'm not alone anymore, and I'm ready to try. Not as Naminé the memory witch, or Naminé, Kairi's Nobody. Just...Naminé. I was so focused on my fear of becoming only a memory that I forgot it's important to make memories, too...and that being a memory isn't that bad to begin with. All the emotions that come from creating them, by myself or with others, and the emotions that come from remembering them...those are just as meaningful.

[She reaches out to take Calamity Naminé's hands.]

It's okay now. I'll be okay.

[Calamity Naminé finally, finally smiles back, tired and accepting. She shimmers a soft blue for just a moment, and then disappears in a swirl of black. Naminé breathes out a sigh and slumps against the desk.]

[Cloud is quiet as the encounter with the Shadow works to a resolution. He's glad this one at least went calmer and less frantically than the others. The seriousness of the moment is no less though, and he watches Namine carefully to the conclusion and even beyond, just to make sure something hasn't happened.

He doesn't think of her as a monster or mistrusts her or anything of the like. The Heroes have just had far too many occasions where they've been taken over or corrupted or turned on each other as of late. There's the line between suspicion and diligence and his intent is good deep down.

Eventually he does speak up, his words quiet and carefully picked, but trying to be as encouraging as he can.]

You did well. When I face mine I'm going to have to remember to be as calm and understanding as you. How are you feeling?

[He has other questions on his mind, but her wellbeing comes first.]

[Naminé lifts her head and gives Cloud a weak smile. Elmina tuts and helps her stand up so she can talk to him properly.]

I didn't feel calm and understanding, but...I'm okay now, I think. Thank you. For being here for me.

It's no problem. I still have to face my own, and I'm probably going to do it soon, but I've been watching everyone else.

[He shifts a bit, adjusting his shield.]

I've been wanting to make sure to be here in case something goes wrong. We can't afford to lose any more....I don't want anyone getting hurt.

[Still, he doesn't look completely confident. There's definitely a lot sitting on his shoulders.]

You're very kind, Cloud. [She hesitates a moment.] I know we don't know each other very well, but I can be there for you when you face yours, if you'd like me to be. I don't want to see anyone hurt either.

Thanks, I appreciate that. Everyone's been watching out for each other and I trust them but I don't...really know what to expect.

[He frowns. He's getting an idea of how this works but he's still unsure.]

Your Shadow. It said something about memories. What did it mean?

[She freezes mid-nod, looking up at him with wide eyes.]

...which part? [she finally asks.] When she said that we'd only become a memory?

[Cloud winces at her expression. He doesn't want to put her on the spot. He then thinks over her words and the encounter that has just passed.]

Sorry, I guess I misheard something. In any case, don't worry about the stuff in your past. All that talk of being nobody or worrying about your powers. This is a good world to try starting over new, and doing things for yourself. And you have all of us here to lend you a hand.

[She falls silent for a moment, hugging Elmina for comfort. She's hesitant, but she still wants to be honest with him, with the people of this world, to not have to hide but instead show them her true colors in the hopes they'll accept her and offer friendship in return.]

Thank you. [She almost loses her nerve, but starts again.] It's...actually appropriate that you bring that up, though. I...I had powers over memories, before I came here. It was such a big part of my life that I barely thought of anything else. But it was always someone else's memories that I worked with, someone who had already lived out a part of their life. I've never thought about my own until now. My own life that creates those memories. I wanted to have my own life and memories for so long that, now that I'm here, I'm starting to realize I'm terrified of doing something wrong again.

[She smiles ruefully.]

I know it's silly. I'm sorry for going on like that.

[Cloud blinks in surprise at the revelation that Namine offers. Both for himself and the Other Cloud and for Sephiroth it's seemed that Memories have been things hanging over their heads. Fear of becoming his future self and what that entails. The dream of the past cycle and the memories of the Other Cloud's future and his friendships and hardships. That changes to someone's memory can so fundamentally change a person is something Cloud has been thinking on for a while.]

I think...I can understand. And you're worried that things might go back to the way they were beyond your control, right?

[He smiles, trying to encourage her.] It's not silly. If it's bothering you then it's better to find people to talk to about it than keep it bottled up. Otherwise the worry just builds on itself.

But you seem like a nice person, and I don't think you're the sort who would hurt people on purpose. Just follow what you feel is right, and if you're not sure it looks like you have some good friends looking out for you.

[She nods, focusing on the little bit of red from Elmina's poofball bobbing up and down in front of her. It's difficult to articulate this feeling she's had, ever since arriving here-- even to Sora and Ira. In fact, it's more difficult if it's them. But because it's Cloud, and he's a kind friend that's removed from their past, it somehow manages to fall past her lips.]

That's the part I'm bad at. Talking with others about it. You're so easy to talk to, Cloud, but I'm not really...everyone else has so many things to worry about, I don't want to bother them with anything. I know it's better to tell them, but...

[Cloud nods, crossing his arms as he listens.]

Mmm, yeah, I can understand that. [He glances at the others who had gathered and he gets a hint of the unspoken part of it.]

And you don't want them to worry about you, right? I think they'd know more about you and your old powers than anyone else here, but...I guess if I see you doing anything odd without realizing it or something seems off I'll let you know. Would that help?

[She nods in quiet affirmation. She doesn't even know all of their stories, but she knows that Sora and Ira have gone through so much. All of her concerns seem so insignificant in comparison. She knows she should tell them, but at the same time Naminé doesn't want to worry them when they have more important things to think about.

She's actually surprised that her Calamity self hadn't mentioned it sooner, though she supposes that's for the best in the end.]

I think so. I know people have said we don't have our old powers here, but-- I just want to be careful. [Naminé finally manages to look up at him.] Thank you, Cloud. You're really very kind.

[Cloud's smile at Namine's gratitude is real, but there's a thought lingering behind his eyes. He's been carrying a lot of weight in his time here. Not just the stuff he's witnessed and taken part in, but also the lingering memories of different versions of himself. And while they've served well as warnings for the future he can't help but wonder if those memories are holding him back as well.

But now isn't the time for that.]

I'm sure you will. You can't really get your old powers back unless you get a Custom Job crafted or your limit break engages. For now you're just yourself and that's all you have to be.

[Not that being oneself is all that easy either.]

[Well, she's certainly going to avoid making a Custom Job now. Her limit break is a different issue. Naminé doesn't know what it is yet. But if the situation were desperate enough that she had to use her limit break to begin with, well, she'll be honest with herself. She wouldn't hesitate to go back to what she was before, to protect her friends.]

I'm still trying to figure out who I am, sometimes...but I'll do my best.

[She rubs at her eyes, and Elmina gently pats her cheek.]

We should get you home to rest first, kupo.

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Damnit I misread a thing

ouo)7 i gotchor back

I'm so sorry for taking so long

no worries ♥

The ironic thing is I can't even remember what he was gonna ask about

oh nooooo if you ever remember you can have him bring it up with her anytime <3

Given the way his Shadow thread is going it might come back around

owo)b